I read a blog post this morning. And it helped me put this into words. I have thought it several times, but wasn't able to put it in words coherently. This is the blog post I read. Adoption Is Ugly. And it brought me to tears. I know they both love their son. And I know they get it. They know how hard this is on this little boy that didn't ask for this life. He loves both of his moms. And he's torn right down the middle. And both of his moms know this. But I want to present a situation. I want to know what everyone thinks of it. How should it be done? How would you do it? I will say now that what I am writing today is not about them. I don't know their whole story. And I don't know what they would do in this situation. But it is a good post, and well worth the read.
There is a mom that finds herself in a crisis. Pregnant with her child that she knows she can't care for right now. She calls an adoption agency, and makes the difficult decision to do the best for her baby and chooses another family to raise and love this sweet life. She makes the "loving option" to do what's in the best interest of the child. (These are the adoption industries words, not mine.)
Now the two families are joined together by this little boy. They are honest and open with each other. They acknowledge the pain caused by the adoption. And they love this little boy more than life itself. After all they are both mom, and this is what moms do.
The first mom overcomes her crisis. In this instance I will use the fact that she didn't have a job, and therefore couldn't afford to take care of the baby. She gets a good job. She meets a nice man, settles down and gets married. Buys a home. Everything she couldn't do. And everything that stood out and made her choose the second mom. She talks to and visits her son every chance she gets. Both moms are glad there is such a strong connection.
Now their son turns 14. He is a good kid. He loves his parents. All of them. He decides that he would like to move in with his first mom. She has other children now. His siblings. She can clearly afford to take care of him. And she would love the chance to have what the second mom has. To be able to kiss him goodnight every night. Cook his dinner. Take him to football practice. Help him with his homework. You know, all the things she has missed out on. The things she didn't feel she could do at the time, but now she can. And of course he would still have two moms. He would be able to talk to and see his second mom just as much as he did with his first mom. Nothing would change but the childs address. What do you think should happen here? What would you do, as the fist mom or the adoptive mom? You each made the choice in the best interest of the child when he was too young to make the choice for himself. What do you do when he is old enough? Adoptive moms, do you love your child enough to let them go?
Monday, November 14, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
New Thoughts on My "Open Adoptions"
I literally just spent every spare moment I had for the last few weeks reading the blog at sisterwish.com from beginning to end. And it has truly broken my heart. And made me question my relationships with my sons even more than I did before.
I was reunited with my sons as each turned 14 years old. I had not seen them since they were 1 and 2 years old. The two reunions went very differently, as they had two very different kinds of parents. The people that adopted Christopher (I will never be able to call them parents) were the kind of people that owned the child. That expected everyone to do as they said when they said and if you didn't then the adoption was slammed shut. Even if you did do as they asked, they found a reason to close it again anyway. They did this repeatedly for 3 years. Then at 17 they signed guardianship papers to someone else to keep him away from me. That crazy lady did the same thing for the next year, until he left walking and came home to me. When he came home, he called me mom. He got a job to help out since I was struggling. He was just my son. We had fights. He moved out a couple times, and he always came home. I made a point of telling him he had just as much right to be there as his siblings, and his little brother stayed in a lot of trouble for trying to cast him as the outsider. I answered all of his questions about the adoption. I apologized for not being stronger. For not being able to fight longer. For giving up, even though I never wanted to do that.
Jeremy's parents agreed with me that Jeremy should lead the reunion. He decided when we would meet, when he would start spending nights at my house and when he would move back in with me, which he did, shortly after Christopher did. That was the first time I had all of my children together. When Jeremy lived with me, he would ask permission to go to his other parents house, just like he asked to come to mine when he lived with them. If his mom wanted him for a weekend, she would call and ask me if we had plans, before asking if she could take him. She would also take Christopher and put him to work. We were literally co-parenting. I often likened it to a divorce where the parents actually got along and put the child first. He eventually moved back home with his parents and is now raising a daughter of his own. My sweet granddaughter, that I am not limited in involvement. A baby that will not have to "find" her biological family. We will always just be here.
Then I read Kat's blog. And my heart broke. Have I made my sons feel like they are really loved? Do they hate me? Do they find it hard to connect with me? We are now the only family Christopher has. And I know he loves me. And I know he knows how much I love him. But when given the chance recently he was quick to move in with my sister. I am pregnant now with his last sibling from me. And he is about to move 4 hours away with my sister and her family. He seems to be able to connect to her and her kids better than he can to me and his siblings. And now I think I know why. And I don't know how to proceed really. I cried so much reading A Letter Never to be Sent. And it made me want to write my own letters. My kids know of my blog, but I don't think they ever read it. But either way, I want to write this for them. I don't know if I will ever send it. I want to. But it's hard to put myself out there like that. And I'm sure it's even harder for them.
My Dearest Sons,
You two really are my world. I know it's hard to talk about adoption, but it is such a big part of our lives. It's the reason we are who we are today. There are other things that have shaped us, but that is the biggest one. I want to tell you some things. Because I feel that you may never ask. Some of it I have told you, but I want to tell you again, because it means so much to me for you to know.
I loved being pregnant with each of you. Christopher, you gave me the happiness of being a new mother. You gave me the promise of a bright future. Someone I could love and protect. Someone I could teach and watch grow. Someone I could protect like I had never been protected. A way to make myself worthy. And I should have never looked at it that way. You should have never been my savior. But you were. Jeremy your pregnancy was just as wonderful, but it was also fraught with worry. I had already lost your brother, and I was fighting to get him back. My pregnancy with you was full of joy while I was awake, and full of nightmares of losing you when I was sleeping.
The day each of you were born was magical in it's own way. Both instances brought tears. Tears of joy at this perfect little human that my body had grown, and fear of not being good enough to raise you right. I never had the fear that I wouldn't raise you at all. Even though that turned out to be the case.
During my last visit with you, I had my dad and his girlfriend there. Along with my husband and 3 step children. I didn't talk very much. I cried a lot. I kissed you a lot. And I whispered that I loved you and begged you to remember me. I promised that I would never give up hope of finding you again one day and letting you know that you were never forgotten. I promised I would always love you and miss you. And I promised that you would have a good life.
I tried my best to move on. To tell myself that you were both loved and happy. But I couldn't move on. I quit having fun. I refused to have fun. I didn't deserve it. A woman not raising her children shouldn't be having fun. And I ended up with severe social anxiety. I am getting over it now. But it crippled me in so many aspects of my life. With each of the pregnancies after losing you I have had nightmares through the entire pregnancy and for months after their births. I wondered how I would be able to tell you that I raised so many other kids and couldn't raise you. I wondered how much you would hate me for that. Especially considering I didn't give birth to them all.
I hate what adoption did to my life. But I am just the mother. My biggest concern is how did it affect you? I know it has to be harder on you than on me. How can I make it better? Is that even possible? I wish I knew. And I wish I could tell you that I am open to answering any questions you have. I wish I could tell you that I understand if you hate me. And you are free to tell me that. Your feelings are so much more important than mine. I wish I had the answers. Are you uncomfortable around me? Is it hard for you to connect to me and your siblings? You seem more connected to Alexia than Joshua. Is that because you have known her since birth? And Joshua remembers you not being there? Does the age affect the reunion? Kat said it is easier to connect with others. Is that true for you too? Is there anything I can do to make it easier to connect to me?
I love you. Always.
Love,
Mom
I was reunited with my sons as each turned 14 years old. I had not seen them since they were 1 and 2 years old. The two reunions went very differently, as they had two very different kinds of parents. The people that adopted Christopher (I will never be able to call them parents) were the kind of people that owned the child. That expected everyone to do as they said when they said and if you didn't then the adoption was slammed shut. Even if you did do as they asked, they found a reason to close it again anyway. They did this repeatedly for 3 years. Then at 17 they signed guardianship papers to someone else to keep him away from me. That crazy lady did the same thing for the next year, until he left walking and came home to me. When he came home, he called me mom. He got a job to help out since I was struggling. He was just my son. We had fights. He moved out a couple times, and he always came home. I made a point of telling him he had just as much right to be there as his siblings, and his little brother stayed in a lot of trouble for trying to cast him as the outsider. I answered all of his questions about the adoption. I apologized for not being stronger. For not being able to fight longer. For giving up, even though I never wanted to do that.
Jeremy's parents agreed with me that Jeremy should lead the reunion. He decided when we would meet, when he would start spending nights at my house and when he would move back in with me, which he did, shortly after Christopher did. That was the first time I had all of my children together. When Jeremy lived with me, he would ask permission to go to his other parents house, just like he asked to come to mine when he lived with them. If his mom wanted him for a weekend, she would call and ask me if we had plans, before asking if she could take him. She would also take Christopher and put him to work. We were literally co-parenting. I often likened it to a divorce where the parents actually got along and put the child first. He eventually moved back home with his parents and is now raising a daughter of his own. My sweet granddaughter, that I am not limited in involvement. A baby that will not have to "find" her biological family. We will always just be here.
Then I read Kat's blog. And my heart broke. Have I made my sons feel like they are really loved? Do they hate me? Do they find it hard to connect with me? We are now the only family Christopher has. And I know he loves me. And I know he knows how much I love him. But when given the chance recently he was quick to move in with my sister. I am pregnant now with his last sibling from me. And he is about to move 4 hours away with my sister and her family. He seems to be able to connect to her and her kids better than he can to me and his siblings. And now I think I know why. And I don't know how to proceed really. I cried so much reading A Letter Never to be Sent. And it made me want to write my own letters. My kids know of my blog, but I don't think they ever read it. But either way, I want to write this for them. I don't know if I will ever send it. I want to. But it's hard to put myself out there like that. And I'm sure it's even harder for them.
My Dearest Sons,
You two really are my world. I know it's hard to talk about adoption, but it is such a big part of our lives. It's the reason we are who we are today. There are other things that have shaped us, but that is the biggest one. I want to tell you some things. Because I feel that you may never ask. Some of it I have told you, but I want to tell you again, because it means so much to me for you to know.
I loved being pregnant with each of you. Christopher, you gave me the happiness of being a new mother. You gave me the promise of a bright future. Someone I could love and protect. Someone I could teach and watch grow. Someone I could protect like I had never been protected. A way to make myself worthy. And I should have never looked at it that way. You should have never been my savior. But you were. Jeremy your pregnancy was just as wonderful, but it was also fraught with worry. I had already lost your brother, and I was fighting to get him back. My pregnancy with you was full of joy while I was awake, and full of nightmares of losing you when I was sleeping.
The day each of you were born was magical in it's own way. Both instances brought tears. Tears of joy at this perfect little human that my body had grown, and fear of not being good enough to raise you right. I never had the fear that I wouldn't raise you at all. Even though that turned out to be the case.
During my last visit with you, I had my dad and his girlfriend there. Along with my husband and 3 step children. I didn't talk very much. I cried a lot. I kissed you a lot. And I whispered that I loved you and begged you to remember me. I promised that I would never give up hope of finding you again one day and letting you know that you were never forgotten. I promised I would always love you and miss you. And I promised that you would have a good life.
I tried my best to move on. To tell myself that you were both loved and happy. But I couldn't move on. I quit having fun. I refused to have fun. I didn't deserve it. A woman not raising her children shouldn't be having fun. And I ended up with severe social anxiety. I am getting over it now. But it crippled me in so many aspects of my life. With each of the pregnancies after losing you I have had nightmares through the entire pregnancy and for months after their births. I wondered how I would be able to tell you that I raised so many other kids and couldn't raise you. I wondered how much you would hate me for that. Especially considering I didn't give birth to them all.
I hate what adoption did to my life. But I am just the mother. My biggest concern is how did it affect you? I know it has to be harder on you than on me. How can I make it better? Is that even possible? I wish I knew. And I wish I could tell you that I am open to answering any questions you have. I wish I could tell you that I understand if you hate me. And you are free to tell me that. Your feelings are so much more important than mine. I wish I had the answers. Are you uncomfortable around me? Is it hard for you to connect to me and your siblings? You seem more connected to Alexia than Joshua. Is that because you have known her since birth? And Joshua remembers you not being there? Does the age affect the reunion? Kat said it is easier to connect with others. Is that true for you too? Is there anything I can do to make it easier to connect to me?
I love you. Always.
Love,
Mom
Friday, July 3, 2015
Parental Alienation
For those of you who feel a need to read my blog and try to find bad things in it, to use against me, good luck. But this is one post you should definitely read and pay attention to. Print it out if you want. Or ignore it, which is more likely. But you should know this anyway. Parental alienation is child abuse. It isn't something that is punishable by law yet. Hopefully one day it will be. Because no child should have to endure it. But it is a crime that will be punished by the children themselves. When the children get older and see how much they are loved, and how much they are missed. When they see that they were kept from the other parent out of pure selfishness and hate. When they grow up and figure out that they missed out on so much because one parent is so worried about what the other parent is doing, that they use the child as a weapon. You aren't going to be in control forever. They won't always be babies. One day they will have a voice. And it will be detrimental to the bond you now share.
For anyone that wants to know, I love my children. And I will continue to fight for the right I have to be involved in their lives. I won't let the lies you tell tear me apart. And I won't let them stop me from being with my children. That is a fight I will never give up on. And it's one no parent should have to fight. How do you think your children are going to feel when they know what's going on? Look around you. You know people that have been there. Where are they now? Do you want that? Parents can love more than one child. When will parents understand that kids can love more than one parent?
I have always encouraged my children to love everyone. And I have defended people who I shouldn't have had to defend, to protect my children's love for them. Everyone always came to me to keep their kids, or help with problems their kids were having. And now all of a sudden everyone has decided I shouldn't be around kids. Why? Because you think people should stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships because you want them to? That doesn't make sense to me. The only joy you get out of life is being wrapped up in everyone else's drama. Get a life and let the parents that should be raising these children, raise them. It's not your concern. If you do care about the kids, let them be happy with both of their parents. They don't have to be together to raise a child.
For anyone that wants to know, I love my children. And I will continue to fight for the right I have to be involved in their lives. I won't let the lies you tell tear me apart. And I won't let them stop me from being with my children. That is a fight I will never give up on. And it's one no parent should have to fight. How do you think your children are going to feel when they know what's going on? Look around you. You know people that have been there. Where are they now? Do you want that? Parents can love more than one child. When will parents understand that kids can love more than one parent?
I have always encouraged my children to love everyone. And I have defended people who I shouldn't have had to defend, to protect my children's love for them. Everyone always came to me to keep their kids, or help with problems their kids were having. And now all of a sudden everyone has decided I shouldn't be around kids. Why? Because you think people should stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships because you want them to? That doesn't make sense to me. The only joy you get out of life is being wrapped up in everyone else's drama. Get a life and let the parents that should be raising these children, raise them. It's not your concern. If you do care about the kids, let them be happy with both of their parents. They don't have to be together to raise a child.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Still fighting kind of
My ex and I finally reached a final agreement. I have my daughter from 8 a.m. on Monday until 8 p.m. on Wednesday, and we alternate holidays. Until school starts. Then I get her one night during the week and every other weekend. I am glad that I got it to where she is at her aunt's house one less day a week, but I am still not happy. Even though I will get her less when school starts, I can't wait for it to start, because that will keep her away from her aunt as a babysitter except for a couple of hours a day. I know that sounds petty, but her aunt is really a bad person for her to be with. She has been so damaged by her, that I don't know how long it will take to help her get over it, when I can finally get her away completely. I am not going to stop fighting to get her back. Her dad will give me what I need to take her back. I have no doubt of that. But for now, I had to agree to something to get out from under that judge for a while.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Letters to my children
Dear Jay,
You were so close to me when you were younger. I did the best I could. I always loved you unconditionally. I still do. And I still hope one day that you find your way back to the wonderful man you were. I love you.
Dear Keri,
You were always the most sensitive. Maybe that's why you are still around. I know you have your problems. And I hope one day you find a way to trust in yourself enough to find the answers to the problems and fix them. I love you, and I am always here.
Dear Seana,
You were my baby for so many years. You were the only one that remembered me in places your mom should have been. You truly felt I had been there forever. I hope one day you give me the chance to be there again. I love you so much.
Dear Christopher,
Through a little over a year, we have been through a lot. I think you finally realize what it feels like to belong. I hope so anyway. I do my best to show you how much you are loved. And how happy we are to have you home. You have always been loved and missed. And though I know there will still be hard times, like there are with every mother and son, I hope you know that I truly try to do what I think is best for all of us. I love you Pooh Bear.
Dear Jeremy,
I know you aren't talking to me right now. But I do hope that one day you understand that I have to be fair to everyone in the house. And I have to take care of all of my kids. And I love you just as much as I do your siblings. We were getting so close after you came home, and I hope one day we can work on getting closer again. I love you my baby boy.
Dear Joshua,
You are growing so fast. The first of my children that I was able to raise from birth on up. And I will continue to raise into adulthood. You have taught me so much that I didn't learn with all of your older siblings. And really your younger siblings are so much different too. You are truly one of a kind. I hope that I am doing what is best for you. Everything in me wants to raise you my way, with homeschooling and keeping you close. But you seem to enjoy the independence you have now in going to public school, and spreading your wings a little. I am sorry that I couldn't keep your dad as involved as he was, but then I also think that it may be better if he isn't as involved as he used to be. I want so much for you to grow up into an independent, strong, loving person, and though I know your dad loves you, he isn't the best at instilling those values. I will continue to do the best I can. I love you Cow Baby.
Dear Alexia,
I am still fighting for you. Hopefully soon I will get more than the 48 hours a week I have been granted. I want you home. I want to be able to take care of you. I hate that you aren't getting your medicine like you're supposed to, and you get sick so much. I hate that you are being told that you can't kiss us, or wear nail polish, or be my little girl. I want so much to bring you home and protect you. And I promise you that no matter what happens in court, I will not give up. You are my baby girl. And I will fight for you for as long as it takes. I love you ninita. I can't wait for you to come home.
You were so close to me when you were younger. I did the best I could. I always loved you unconditionally. I still do. And I still hope one day that you find your way back to the wonderful man you were. I love you.
Dear Keri,
You were always the most sensitive. Maybe that's why you are still around. I know you have your problems. And I hope one day you find a way to trust in yourself enough to find the answers to the problems and fix them. I love you, and I am always here.
Dear Seana,
You were my baby for so many years. You were the only one that remembered me in places your mom should have been. You truly felt I had been there forever. I hope one day you give me the chance to be there again. I love you so much.
Dear Christopher,
Through a little over a year, we have been through a lot. I think you finally realize what it feels like to belong. I hope so anyway. I do my best to show you how much you are loved. And how happy we are to have you home. You have always been loved and missed. And though I know there will still be hard times, like there are with every mother and son, I hope you know that I truly try to do what I think is best for all of us. I love you Pooh Bear.
Dear Jeremy,
I know you aren't talking to me right now. But I do hope that one day you understand that I have to be fair to everyone in the house. And I have to take care of all of my kids. And I love you just as much as I do your siblings. We were getting so close after you came home, and I hope one day we can work on getting closer again. I love you my baby boy.
Dear Joshua,
You are growing so fast. The first of my children that I was able to raise from birth on up. And I will continue to raise into adulthood. You have taught me so much that I didn't learn with all of your older siblings. And really your younger siblings are so much different too. You are truly one of a kind. I hope that I am doing what is best for you. Everything in me wants to raise you my way, with homeschooling and keeping you close. But you seem to enjoy the independence you have now in going to public school, and spreading your wings a little. I am sorry that I couldn't keep your dad as involved as he was, but then I also think that it may be better if he isn't as involved as he used to be. I want so much for you to grow up into an independent, strong, loving person, and though I know your dad loves you, he isn't the best at instilling those values. I will continue to do the best I can. I love you Cow Baby.
Dear Alexia,
I am still fighting for you. Hopefully soon I will get more than the 48 hours a week I have been granted. I want you home. I want to be able to take care of you. I hate that you aren't getting your medicine like you're supposed to, and you get sick so much. I hate that you are being told that you can't kiss us, or wear nail polish, or be my little girl. I want so much to bring you home and protect you. And I promise you that no matter what happens in court, I will not give up. You are my baby girl. And I will fight for you for as long as it takes. I love you ninita. I can't wait for you to come home.
Friday, October 3, 2014
This is going to be hard
I have been talking to a really good friend a lot lately about the pains of my past. He is my roommate. I have known him for 10 years. And he is the one person I feel safe talking to about anything. His name is Cody.
We were talking last night. And once again I went into talking about the adoptions of Christopher and Jeremy. And the pain and resentment I hold against John (my ex) for the part he played in it. Cody told me that I should talk to John and tell him everything that I feel about him. So I told John that I wanted to talk to him, and he is supposed to be coming over tonight after I get off work so I can do that. But for now, I will tell you all what part he played and how much I hate him for him.
I told you that I attempted suicide when CPS wouldn't leave me alone. And that's how they got both of my children. What I didn't tell you what that while I was sitting in a mental hospital, I got a phone call every evening before we went to bed. I used that phone call every night to call my husband. The one person that is supposed to stand by my side and have empathy for me. And love me. And know me. He should have known that my children were my world. That the thought of losing my children was what drove me to attempt suicide in the first place. During one of those phone calls he told me that he had sent his children to live with their maternal grandparents. And that he thought we would be better without any kids at all. That we should just give them all up. And just be us.
When I came home I continued to fight for my children. I let him make the decision to leave his children where they were. 6 months later I was drugged into giving up my fight. When I came off the drugs and realized what I had done, I couldn't function. So I told John that if he didn't bring his kids back that I had no reason to stay. That I was meant to be a mama. I told him then that I hated him for what he had done. But that I just wanted his kids back because no one could take them from me. He went and got them. I went back to being a mama. A couple of weeks later, I woke up and was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I didn't get up and feed the kids or anything. When John came home he came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I didn't know if I could do this. If I could raise his children when I wasn't even raising my own. He essentially told me to snap out of it. That the pictures and talking about them were too painful. So he put all of the pictures up. And did away with any personal effects that belonged to my boys. And his children and I were forbidden to talk about them. They no longer existed. There was no proof that there was ever 2 babies living in that house. The only time he conceded was on their birthdays when I was allowed to bake them a cake.
I left John several times over the course of our marriage. He always forced me to come back. By withholding his children from me. I wasn't allowed to see them or speak to them. And they were my life. They were my children. And I couldn't lose any more. So I would come back. And I would be a stay at home mom. I would hold the children when they cried for their mom. And at night when I was talking to John I would say, "I wonder if Christopher or Jeremy remember me? I wonder if they cry for me? And I wonder if they do, if their new moms hold them and comfort them?" His response was always, "Don't worry about them. They're fine. They were little enough to forget you. So don't talk about it, because all it does is make you said and you have 3 kids in there to raise." So I would bottle it up. And I would let it go. And I did that until his youngest child was an adult. That way the kids could make the decision of whether to see me or not.
I hate John for giving my babies away. I hate him for telling me to forget them. I hate him for telling me we were better off without children. I hate him for expecting me to raise his children and not my own. I hate him for withholding those children from me when I did try to leave him. I hate him for beating my self worth down so far that it has taken me 16 years to work up the courage to confront him.
I hate that I am mad at his children. And I didn't even realize that until just now. But I am. They don't really talk to me. They don't come to see me. And at times they are plainly disrespectful to me. I don't know if they realize what I sacrificed to be there for them. But since they are all in their mid 20's now, you would think they did. And I don't know if that is a conversation I should have with them.
I need to find a way to heal from this anger. And do it without hurting my children even more by telling them the truth.
We were talking last night. And once again I went into talking about the adoptions of Christopher and Jeremy. And the pain and resentment I hold against John (my ex) for the part he played in it. Cody told me that I should talk to John and tell him everything that I feel about him. So I told John that I wanted to talk to him, and he is supposed to be coming over tonight after I get off work so I can do that. But for now, I will tell you all what part he played and how much I hate him for him.
I told you that I attempted suicide when CPS wouldn't leave me alone. And that's how they got both of my children. What I didn't tell you what that while I was sitting in a mental hospital, I got a phone call every evening before we went to bed. I used that phone call every night to call my husband. The one person that is supposed to stand by my side and have empathy for me. And love me. And know me. He should have known that my children were my world. That the thought of losing my children was what drove me to attempt suicide in the first place. During one of those phone calls he told me that he had sent his children to live with their maternal grandparents. And that he thought we would be better without any kids at all. That we should just give them all up. And just be us.
When I came home I continued to fight for my children. I let him make the decision to leave his children where they were. 6 months later I was drugged into giving up my fight. When I came off the drugs and realized what I had done, I couldn't function. So I told John that if he didn't bring his kids back that I had no reason to stay. That I was meant to be a mama. I told him then that I hated him for what he had done. But that I just wanted his kids back because no one could take them from me. He went and got them. I went back to being a mama. A couple of weeks later, I woke up and was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I didn't get up and feed the kids or anything. When John came home he came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I didn't know if I could do this. If I could raise his children when I wasn't even raising my own. He essentially told me to snap out of it. That the pictures and talking about them were too painful. So he put all of the pictures up. And did away with any personal effects that belonged to my boys. And his children and I were forbidden to talk about them. They no longer existed. There was no proof that there was ever 2 babies living in that house. The only time he conceded was on their birthdays when I was allowed to bake them a cake.
I left John several times over the course of our marriage. He always forced me to come back. By withholding his children from me. I wasn't allowed to see them or speak to them. And they were my life. They were my children. And I couldn't lose any more. So I would come back. And I would be a stay at home mom. I would hold the children when they cried for their mom. And at night when I was talking to John I would say, "I wonder if Christopher or Jeremy remember me? I wonder if they cry for me? And I wonder if they do, if their new moms hold them and comfort them?" His response was always, "Don't worry about them. They're fine. They were little enough to forget you. So don't talk about it, because all it does is make you said and you have 3 kids in there to raise." So I would bottle it up. And I would let it go. And I did that until his youngest child was an adult. That way the kids could make the decision of whether to see me or not.
I hate John for giving my babies away. I hate him for telling me to forget them. I hate him for telling me we were better off without children. I hate him for expecting me to raise his children and not my own. I hate him for withholding those children from me when I did try to leave him. I hate him for beating my self worth down so far that it has taken me 16 years to work up the courage to confront him.
I hate that I am mad at his children. And I didn't even realize that until just now. But I am. They don't really talk to me. They don't come to see me. And at times they are plainly disrespectful to me. I don't know if they realize what I sacrificed to be there for them. But since they are all in their mid 20's now, you would think they did. And I don't know if that is a conversation I should have with them.
I need to find a way to heal from this anger. And do it without hurting my children even more by telling them the truth.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
I am so sad again
I have an app downloaded to my phone called Timehop Abe. It connects to my Facebook and pulls us posts that happened on this day up to 4 years ago. Every other day I am seeing posts of the fight for Veronica Brown. And every day my heart is breaking again. I go online and google everything I can about the case. And everything pretty much disappeared a year ago when he handed her over. I can not get this little girl out of my mind. It doesn't help that because of her Hispanic heritage she looks a little like my daughter. And maybe it's even harder now because I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month. On the 24th, the day I learned last year about him handing her over will be a month that I have not seen my sweet Alexia. I don't know when I will see her again. Or if I will end up in jail for back child support before I get a chance to see her. My ex is reminding me a lot of the Capobiancos. He has no heart. He doesn't care about that little girl that he is withholding from me. He doesn't care about anything but himself, and what he can do to prove he is superior to everyone. I will not rest until I get my daughter back. And get her away from the people that are ruining her mind. They are teaching her all kinds of awful things. Like that her brothers are not her brothers and that we are all "yucky". That she needs to stay with her daddy at night because he is by himself and he will be scared. I just want to wrap my baby in my arms and protect her. And I wish Dusten had been able to do the same with Veronica.
I wish all the mothers and fathers out there fighting for their children out of love and caring could hold their children close and protect them from the crazies in this world.
I wish all the mothers and fathers out there fighting for their children out of love and caring could hold their children close and protect them from the crazies in this world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)