Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Recent Visit

I had a visit with my second born son this past Wednesday. It is the second time I have been able to keep him in my home. It's strange. He will be 16 in December, and I don't know him at all. I want to. Occasionally he brings up things about when he was younger, or about the adoption in general. What am I supposed to say? I so bad just want to tell him that I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder. That they had me on these medicines that affected my ability to feel, to even know what I was doing. But I don't know if he is ready to hear the whole story yet. I have told my oldest some of it. Not the whole story, but the main parts.

Anyway, I took him to the restaurant that I work at to get something to eat. He ordered a chocolate chip waffle. Our waitress said, "You and C and this chocolate. hahaha" Then I started thinking, I feel so bad, because all these people know both of my sons, and they don't know each other. They aren't allowed to know each other. That is really the reason that C's mom stopped the contact this last time. I know I haven't went through that whole story of her yet, but just thought I'd let you all know how crazy she is. She sent me a text one morning telling me that I would no longer be able to have any contact with C. When I asked her why, she responded with "Because you gave him J1's phone number." How can you not want your son to know his brother? She knew that I was talking to J1 too. Even expressed how happy she was for me. Yet never once told me that she didn't want C to have anything to do with him.

My whole point to this post is that I can't wait for the day that I can have all of my children together in one place, and take a picture. I have pictures with each of my kids, but none with all of them. Sad when you think about the fact that I have been back in contact with them for so long.

Well, I have to get ready for work now. Just had to get this out first. Hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Being Found

April 7, 2010.... I got up for work at about 5:30 AM. I checked my phone first thing, like I do every morning. I had gotten a text at 1:07 AM that I had not heard. I opened it, and my heart stopped. The message read..." Do you know K E?" I knew exactly who that was. My question was, how did my sister know that name?

I was on my way home about 2 months after C was placed for adoption. I saw his old daycare worker from when he was in foster care, walking home. I stopped and offered her a ride. She told me that he was with the same family that had been his foster family and they were adopting him. I in turn told everyone that I always knew where C was. That he was adopted by E E I never told them her full name (E K E). They had no way of knowing that E and K were the same people. And I had not said her name in years anyway. My family didn't want to talk about C and J1. That subject was off limits.

So I lived about 60 miles away from my sister, and only 1 1/2 miles away from K, so again... How did my sister know that name!!! Only way possible was if she had contacted my sister looking for me! I had to wait a whole hour before my sister woke up and could tell me the story. She had gotten a facebook message from K about her adopted son. Different name than C, but I will leave it as C for my story, for the sake of privacy. She told my sister that her son had been asking to meet his mother for a few years, and she thought he was finally mature enough to handle it. She wanted to know if my sister thought I would be open to meeting him. She ended the message with, "I'm sure by now you are thinking I'm crazy for talking to you about my son. But as soon as you see his picture, you will know who he belongs to." The picture file attached to the message wouldn't show on my sister's phone, which is where she was having to check her messages. She messaged back, telling K that she couldn't see the picture, but she was sure it had to be C or J1. And left her number for K to call.

K didn't call until later that evening, but my sister told her that I would love to meet C. That I had been dreaming of it for years. K said that she would set it up and let me know when, but she wanted to wait until school was out. She didn't want to distract him from his testing. I thought this was a great idea, even though the waiting would kill me. He was only 14. I wasn't supposed to see him for 4 more years, but now that it was within my grasp, it seemed torture to make me wait.

I would find out soon, that her word meant nothing. At first I thought that was a good thing. Like when she called a couple weeks later, and didn't want to wait any more. So I met him weeks earlier than planned. But I would also find out that this could be a very bad thing, indeed.