Doing a Little Better

I did get to see J1 for a little while Friday. I just picked him up from school and took him home. He seems to be doing okay. He did tell me to text him anytime. That he is usually just playing the xbox. lol I still haven't talked to C. Since I picked J1 up from school, I couldn't be at my job Friday when he got off the bus. I have to be there this Friday. This is the last Friday before he turns 17. I am so worried about him. I just really need to talk to him before he does anything on November 6th.

Reliving It Again and Again

I still have not had a chance to talk to C. I want to tell him that I want him to come home, although I know it is his choice and I will stand behind him 100%. I won't tell him everything else.

Also, I feel that J1 doesn't really want to talk to me that much any more. We text sometimes, and that is nice, but he doesn't text as often as he used to or for as long. And now, I always have to text him first.

I have started having the nightmares again. But they are different. They aren't babies any more. They are teenagers, just like they are now. And I can see that they are hurting. Yet when I try to talk to them, and be there for them, they tell me, "If you wanted to be my Mom, you should have been there always. It's too late now." I know they probably are hurting, and questioning the relationship with me. Or it could just be that they are teenage boys that don't need to talk to me that often. I am hoping it's the latter.

I have also started having social anxiety problems real bad again. They were getting better, but I'm back at square one now. 2 days after C told me that he wasn't moving home with us, I went with my husband to my niece's birthday party. I am very close to my niece and my sister in law, and couldn't wait to spend the day with them. But less than 5 minutes after arriving, I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and just wanted to go home. I couldn't explain why. My husband got a little upset with me. He told me that I should have told him before we went that I didn't want to go. I tried to explain to him that I did want to go, and I have no warning of when the panic attacks will hit. I think he understands a little. He told my sister in law and my niece that I wasn't feeling too well.

I am just wondering if the rest of my life will be like this. Will I be okay when I am having a good relationship with my boys? And then when they take a break or get too busy, will I revert to this shell of a person that I have been for so many years? I guess that's the price I have to pay for not being able to fight any longer. I have seen this saying a lot, and it is so true..... Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.

Heartbroken

I talked to C last Friday. He told me that he is not coming home to us. He plans to move in with his girlfriend and her parents. I was so looking forward to being his "mommy" again. I know he isn't a baby and he has to make his own decisions in life, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. :(

I am supposed to go see him again this Friday. I have been telling him that I will stand behind him no matter what he decides to do. I realized that I have not told him what I want, besides his happiness. I don't know if it is a good idea, or a bad idea, but this Friday I will be telling him that although I will stand beside him with any decision he makes, I WANT him to come home. Hopefully he just understands that I love him, and miss him. And hopefully he doesn't see it as a controlling thing, just a mom telling her child how much she loves him, and misses him. I will let you all know how that goes.