I have had a lot going on with C. I was supposed to be able to see him now that someone else has custody. But once again, I am the big bad birthmother that will never be any good. I'm not worthy enough to see my son since I "gave up on him." I am not allowed to contact him. He has agreed, according to her, to never speak my name again. So until he is 18, I have to wait to try to speak to him. Until then, I have started a new blog to write him letters. Hopefully he will see them one day.
This is what I don't understand. This lady that has him now says I can't see him because he is in so much pain because I have given up on him sooo many times. And he was asking "why?" So she thinks it's better if he doesn't see me. Isn't that counter productive. No one can answer that question but me. I never "gave up on him" in the sense that everyone is using it. But not one of these people who claim to love him so much want him to get the answer to that question. Why? How is he supposed to process this and heal as much as he can when he has a question, and no answer? Could you? I know I couldn't. One day he will be able to ask me. And one day there will be no legal way anyone can stop me from answering. I pray that when that day comes he will find forgiveness in his heart for the weak, scared teenager that I was. The girl that didn't know how to fight. But whether he forgives me or not, I pray he finds some peace from the hurt that has haunted him his entire life.
