Monday, May 13, 2013

Apparently I'm a Little Slow

You would think that some things are quite obvious when it comes to life, but I am living proof that it isn't. I just recently realized another way that adoption has touched my life, and in this way I truly was the bad guy. :(

You all have probably figured it out already. If you have read my blog from the beginning. And you will probably be surprised that it just recently hit me!!!

In this post I talked about finding out I was pregnant with J2, and my new beginning with motherhood. But if you read between the lines, I also admit there that I left his biological father, and went back to my husband. The man that is on J2's birth certificate, and has raised him, is not his father. And although there was never an adoption, just a simple signing of the birth certificate, I for all intents and purposes, forced adoption on my sweet new baby boy.

J2 did not know until he was 4 that there was another daddy out there. I will never forget the conversation. And I will never forget the tears. I also will never forgive myself for waiting until he was 4 to tell him. If he had always known, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much.

And in this post I talked about how wrong it was for mothers to take the choice of parenthood away from fathers. Granted it is a little different, since I kept and raised my son. I didn't place him with others. But in essence I did the same thing. I made sure that the father didn't have a choice in another man being on the birth certificate. I did so without asking the father. Now I could say I got lucky, in the fact that the father didn't want to raise him unless we were together. I could say that it's different, because he doesn't mind that someone else is on the birth certificate. Which is all true, and does make it a little bit different. But not enough to make what I did okay.

Now that I have admitted that, I will tell you what recently happened. J2 has been asking for about 2 years to meet his father. But since he lives several states away, it has been pretty much impossible. But he called me a few weeks ago and told me that he would be in town, and if J2 still wanted to see him, we could do it then.

I told J2 that he was coming and he would be able to see him, and he started crying. I told him, "If you don't want to see him, you don't have to." He replied, "No, I do want to see him. I'm sad because he has to go back to Texas." That's when it hit me. I did this to my baby. That's when I started looking at it from an adoption angle.

I have to go for now. But I will be back soon, and I will tell you all about the visit. It happened on May 3rd. And it was a good visit. I just don't have time now to do it justice in the telling.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


There have been quite a few changes going on in my house. And even more going on in my mind. I have been stuck about what to write, as I feel like an imposter. Now I realize what changes need to be made. And they will be hard changes. But it's something I have to do.

First I need to stop limiting my fight for motherhood to only the adoptions of my two oldest sons. I have a daily fight for my motherhood with the 2 children that I am raising too. So now I think I need to talk about those things a little bit.

My biggest fight is for my youngest son, J2. He was diagnosed at 6 years old with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and a mood disorder not otherwise specified. When I asked what that meant I was told, "That means we don't know what's wrong with him." Very comforting.... NOT.

I have fought for my right to parent my child the best way I know how. I have fought schools, counselors, hospitals, and DFCS. I have to be his biggest advocate. No one else is going to do it. And no one knows my son like I do. So I fight this battle with honor.

Now the hard part. I know my son, very well. But I am just now learning some things about myself. Like I am learning that I have been doing some things wrong. And I'm figuring out how to fix those things. I have done a lot of reading on ODD. And I have learned a lot of new things. No thanks to his therapist (that I am changing by the way). I learned that the irrational fears that come on all of a sudden are REAL. My son was never afraid of the dark, never afraid of being alone in a room. Never afraid of danger. Now he is. My son is terrified to sleep by himself. So now after years of sleeping alone, I have to sit on the side of my sons bed until he goes to sleep. But it gives him comfort, and it gives him security. So I will do this, as long as I have to. I will now fight my husband, on how J2 should be treated. I don't know where this is going to lead me, but it will lead me into a better, happier motherhood. After all, isn't that what this is all about?

I will be back soon to write more on this. But now, since I have stayed up another hour just to make sure he is sound asleep, I am going to go back to bed. :)