Sunday, April 12, 2015

Letters to my children

Dear Jay,

     You were so close to me when you were younger. I did the best I could. I always loved you unconditionally. I still do. And I still hope one day that you find your way back to the wonderful man you were. I love you.

Dear Keri,

     You were always the most sensitive. Maybe that's why you are still around. I know you have your problems. And I hope one day you find a way to trust in yourself enough to find the answers to the problems and fix them. I love you, and I am always here.

Dear Seana,

     You were my baby for so many years. You were the only one that remembered me in places your mom should have been. You truly felt I had been there forever. I hope one day you give me the chance to be there again. I love you so much.

Dear Christopher,

     Through a little over a year, we have been through a lot. I think you finally realize what it feels like to belong. I hope so anyway. I do my best to show you how much you are loved. And how happy we are to have you home. You have always been loved and missed. And though I know there will still be hard times, like there are with every mother and son, I hope you know that I truly try to do what I think is best for all of us. I love you Pooh Bear.

Dear Jeremy,

     I know you aren't talking to me right now. But I do hope that one day you understand that I have to be fair to everyone in the house. And I have to take care of all of my kids. And I love you just as much as I do your siblings. We were getting so close after you came home, and I hope one day we can work on getting closer again. I love you my baby boy.

Dear Joshua,

     You are growing so fast. The first of my children that I was able to raise from birth on up. And I will continue to raise into adulthood. You have taught me so much that I didn't learn with all of your older siblings. And really your younger siblings are so much different too. You are truly one of a kind. I hope that I am doing what is best for you. Everything in me wants to raise you my way, with homeschooling and keeping you close. But you seem to enjoy the independence you have now in going to public school, and spreading your wings a little. I am sorry that I couldn't keep your dad as involved as he was, but then I also think that it may be better if he isn't as involved as he used to be. I want so much for you to grow up into an independent, strong, loving person, and though I know your dad loves you, he isn't the best at instilling those values. I will continue to do the best I can. I love you Cow Baby.

Dear Alexia,

     I am still fighting for you. Hopefully soon I will get more than the 48 hours a week I have been granted. I want you home. I want to be able to take care of you. I hate that you aren't getting your medicine like you're supposed to, and you get sick so much. I hate that you are being told that you can't kiss us, or wear nail polish, or be my little girl. I want so much to bring you home and protect you. And I promise you that no matter what happens in court, I will not give up. You are my baby girl. And I will fight for you for as long as it takes. I love you ninita. I can't wait for you to come home.

Dear Kenny,

     I haven't seen you in 61 days. I never thought I would have to go so long without seeing one of my babies again. I know you have a mama that loves you, but I love you like my own too. And for a long time now, you have also been one of my children. The youngest of 8 right now. I hope one day that you get the chance to know your siblings well. They all miss you, just as much as we do. Joshua even told the counselor at school that he was upset, because his little brother moved out and he can't see him anymore. That little brother is you. Alexia asks about you all the time. She misses you like crazy. She loves playing with you. And any time we go anywhere and she gets something, she makes sure to get you something too. We have a few things here that we will give you as soon as you can come home to see us. I just want to hold you and give you a kiss. And hope you remember me. You did love me, before you were kept away. But if you don't remember me, that's okay too. You're young and we will just have fun getting to know each other again. I just want you to know that you are loved and missed so much. We had Joshua's birthday party yesterday. It was fun. I was just so upset that you had to miss it. You would have had so much fun at the park. But you will be home soon and you won't have to miss any more family functions. We will work them around when you can be there. I love you my baby. And I will show you how much really really soon.