Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Not hiding anymore

I have had a lot going on with C. I was supposed to be able to see him now that someone else has custody. But once again, I am the big bad birthmother that will never be any good. I'm not worthy enough to see my son since I "gave up on him." I am not allowed to contact him. He has agreed, according to her, to never speak my name again. So until he is 18, I have to wait to try to speak to him. Until then, I have started a new blog to write him letters. Hopefully he will see them one day.

This is what I don't understand. This lady that has him now says I can't see him because he is in so much pain because I have given up on him sooo many times. And he was asking "why?" So she thinks it's better if he doesn't see me. Isn't that counter productive. No one can answer that question but me. I never "gave up on him" in the sense that everyone is using it. But not one of these people who claim to love him so much want him to get the answer to that question. Why? How is he supposed to process this and heal as much as he can when he has a question, and no answer? Could you? I know I couldn't. One day he will be able to ask me. And one day there will be no legal way anyone can stop me from answering. I pray that when that day comes he will find forgiveness in his heart for the weak, scared teenager that I was. The girl that didn't know how to fight. But whether he forgives me or not, I pray he finds some peace from the hurt that has haunted him his entire life.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Maybe One Day....

Maybe one day I will be logical. Maybe one day I will have faith in myself. Maybe one day I will realize that I deserve to be happy, and then maybe THAT day, I will be.

I am sitting here in my living room, with A taking a nap in my room. J1 and J2 sitting side by side on the couch watching Madagascar 3. I realize that C is the only one missing today. I do know now that he is okay. I can't say anything more about that right now, but one day I will have the whole story to share. But I am sitting here thinking, "This is how it's supposed to be." My husband is at work and my 2 middle kids are sitting here being brothers, like it should have always been. In this moment, (besides missing C) I am a happy Mama.

It is also nice knowing that I don't have to spend the whole time he is here talking to him. I know he will always be here. I don't have a crazy AMom just looking for a reason to take him away from me. His mom is truly a wonderful woman. And though I don't have to spend the whole time "spending time" with him, I think I'm going to go now, and just look at my sons being brothers in my living room. :) It is still a wonder. I'll be back another day.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Happy 17th Birthday C

Well, today is C's 17th birthday. So much has changed in the last month or so. At one point he was coming to live with me. Then he was going to live with his girlfriend. Now I am pretty sure he isn't wanting to talk to me at all. Even though I held back and never told him how I felt about him moving in with the girlfriend. All I can figure is he needs his space. And I can understand that. I will give him all the time he needs, and make sure he knows that I will always be here. If he ever wants me again. But I find it fitting today to tell the story of my first born son.

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I had been trying to get pregnant for a while. I came from an abusive home, where we weren't really loved. And in the mind of a know it all teenager, I thought the way to fix that was to have a baby. That would be someone who would love me unconditionally. I know, I know... Illogical thought processes. Haha

Anyway, I was still living in my dad's house, and went to the health department and they told me I was pregnant. I immediately sat in the floor and cried like a baby. How was I going to take care of a baby?!?! Yeah, I probably should have thought of that first. Also, why would I bring a baby into a family that I didn't even want to be in? So I did the next (il)logical thing that came to mind... I took off. I moved over an hour away with a man that had shown interest in me when I was 15. Sick I know. I should have had better sense. But I want to tell this story honestly, so here it is. I knew he was a man with a job. I knew he was interested in me. I knew he had custody of his daughter. So I figured he would do.

I got huge with C. I was 116 pounds when I got pregnant and over 200 when I had him. (I don't know the exact weight. I quit looking at 199 when I was almost 8 months.) I remember watching the World Series that year. I was hoping that my son would want to play baseball. I loved to play as a kid. On November 1st I was already 3 days overdue, and the Braves won the World Series. I was so excited that I was jumping up and down on the couch at my Uncles house. He told me to stop because he was not going to have me giving birth in his living room.

3 days later, I was still not in labor. So 2 of my Aunts decided to walk the baby out of me. At first they had me walking up and down the stairs of the condos that one of them lived in. They could hear me when I stopped and would push me on. Finally I told them that I couldn't climb the stairs any more. They took me to WalMart, and they sat in the little dining area as I walked back and forth. I was so tired, and I still wasn't in labor. So I kept an eye on my watch and started faking contractions. Sad, I know, but I just wanted to lay down, and this was a sure fire way to end up in a hospital bed. :)

We get to the hospital late at night on November 4th. They hook me up to all these monitors and inform me that I am having contractions every minute. I still don't feel anything though. I got to rest that night, and the next day the nurses had me walking the halls. After hours of trying to get me to dilate, and breaking my water, I am not progressing. I was dilated to a 3, contractions every minute, and nothing. They gave me an epidural the evening of the 5th. They also had me sign a consent for a c-section. They told me that if I did not progress through the night, they would do the surgery in the morning.

I still didn't progress. The next morning I went in for surgery with my Aunt by my side. I was terrified. I did not want to have a baby this way. A few minutes later, I heard the sweetest sound. The cry of my first born child. My sweet C. My Pooh Bear. I couldn't stop crying. Already, he was my world. Happy Birthday C. You will always be my baby!

I just realized the irony of this. I wanted C so I could have the one person that would love me unconditionally. And I think I may have messed that up, too. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved? Sad, yes, but sometimes I really feel that way.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Doing a Little Better

I did get to see J1 for a little while Friday. I just picked him up from school and took him home. He seems to be doing okay. He did tell me to text him anytime. That he is usually just playing the xbox. lol I still haven't talked to C. Since I picked J1 up from school, I couldn't be at my job Friday when he got off the bus. I have to be there this Friday. This is the last Friday before he turns 17. I am so worried about him. I just really need to talk to him before he does anything on November 6th.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Reliving It Again and Again

I still have not had a chance to talk to C. I want to tell him that I want him to come home, although I know it is his choice and I will stand behind him 100%. I won't tell him everything else.

Also, I feel that J1 doesn't really want to talk to me that much any more. We text sometimes, and that is nice, but he doesn't text as often as he used to or for as long. And now, I always have to text him first.

I have started having the nightmares again. But they are different. They aren't babies any more. They are teenagers, just like they are now. And I can see that they are hurting. Yet when I try to talk to them, and be there for them, they tell me, "If you wanted to be my Mom, you should have been there always. It's too late now." I know they probably are hurting, and questioning the relationship with me. Or it could just be that they are teenage boys that don't need to talk to me that often. I am hoping it's the latter.

I have also started having social anxiety problems real bad again. They were getting better, but I'm back at square one now. 2 days after C told me that he wasn't moving home with us, I went with my husband to my niece's birthday party. I am very close to my niece and my sister in law, and couldn't wait to spend the day with them. But less than 5 minutes after arriving, I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and just wanted to go home. I couldn't explain why. My husband got a little upset with me. He told me that I should have told him before we went that I didn't want to go. I tried to explain to him that I did want to go, and I have no warning of when the panic attacks will hit. I think he understands a little. He told my sister in law and my niece that I wasn't feeling too well.

I am just wondering if the rest of my life will be like this. Will I be okay when I am having a good relationship with my boys? And then when they take a break or get too busy, will I revert to this shell of a person that I have been for so many years? I guess that's the price I have to pay for not being able to fight any longer. I have seen this saying a lot, and it is so true..... Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Heartbroken

I talked to C last Friday. He told me that he is not coming home to us. He plans to move in with his girlfriend and her parents. I was so looking forward to being his "mommy" again. I know he isn't a baby and he has to make his own decisions in life, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. :(

I am supposed to go see him again this Friday. I have been telling him that I will stand behind him no matter what he decides to do. I realized that I have not told him what I want, besides his happiness. I don't know if it is a good idea, or a bad idea, but this Friday I will be telling him that although I will stand beside him with any decision he makes, I WANT him to come home. Hopefully he just understands that I love him, and miss him. And hopefully he doesn't see it as a controlling thing, just a mom telling her child how much she loves him, and misses him. I will let you all know how that goes.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

45 Days To Go

C will be 17 in 45 days. He is planning on coming home then. I know it will be a big adjustment if he does, but we can work through it. I really don't have much to say tonight, just wanted you all to know that I am counting down the days. And praying he is strong enough to leave her and come home. I miss my Pooh Bear!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I Don't Understand!!!

This is not about my story, but about others that I am reading, and some I saw on that stupid show "I'm Having Their Baby."

If a woman does not want her child, for whatever reason, and the father does want the child, why doesn't she just give the baby to him??? How can a woman take that decision away from him? And the court system does the same thing. I have been following 2 stories where the dad wanted the child, and the mother placed the child for adoption anyway. And now the dads are fighting in court for their children!!! And it's taking forever! With no guarantees.

Also the children who were kidnapped from foreign countries and sold to adopters here in the US. When there is proof that the child was never placed for adoption and a court in the original country demands the return of a kidnapped child, why does our government not step in? I have to admit that I have lost a lot of faith in our legal system over my lifetime. I believed when I was younger that these people were here to help us. I starting learning in middle school just how wrong I was.

I will continue to pray for all the mothers and fathers fighting for their children. And I will pray for the world to understand how wrong it is, and make some changes. Mainly that the first thing people ask is if it can't be an open adoption. It shouldn't even be brought up when no adoption should have taken place to begin with! One day these children will grow up and realize what was done to them. And I hope the kidnappers get what they deserve.

Okay my vent for the day is over now.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A Misunderstanding

Okay, so I have told you about my fight to keep my youngest son, all because I was homeschooling. So now I need to tell you about a conversation I had with my baby boy not too long ago.

We were just finishing up Language Arts, and he says, "Mama, DFCS was wrong for taking us to court. You do a good job teaching me."

I replied, "Thank you baby. Sometimes people don't understand, and they think we are doing something wrong, even though we are doing the best thing for our kids. So they do what they can to find out what we should be doing."

He thought about that for a few minutes, and then asked, "Mama, when they took C and J1 away, were you doing things wrong? Or was it a misunderstanding, too?"

My eyes immediately filled up with tears. I told him it was a misunderstanding. So he says, "I can't believe I had to grow up without my brothers just because of a misunderstanding. I wish you could have proved you were doing good back then."

It is so heartbreaking to have my 8 year old ask me such questions. It is heartbreaking that he should even understand at such a young, innocent age how crooked this world is. All I can do is try to teach him that yes, the world can be crooked, but there are good people too. And teach him to always do what is right, and try to help change the world when he grows up. I have my work cut out for me. But at least I know that he understands that I am a good Mother, and that he should have always known his brothers.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Social Anxiety

I have mentioned in a previous post that I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy. I have just discovered recently, how far that went. This story is not exactly adoption related, but my adoption past played a big role in my actions.

I met Alex on Christmas Day 2008. He was gorgeous. Way out of my league. lol I am a waitress and met him at work. He was a customer. Everyone knew him, but since I didn't normally work that shift, this was the first time we had ever met. He is from Mexico City, and I have a granddaughter (from my step daughter) that is half Mexican. My granddaughter's father was born and raised in the US. He doesn't speak Spanish, and knows nothing of his heritage. I decided that if my granddaughter was to know, I would need to help teach her. At this time she was 9 months old. I was soaking up the Mexican culture. I decided to ask Alex about the Mexican Holidays. How do they celebrate Christmas? What is Cinco de Mayo? Anyway, while we were talking he asked me to look him in the eyes so he could see my eyes clearly because they were beautiful. I immediately informed him that I was married and had 6 children and a grandchild. But thanks for the compliment anyway. :)

He didn't believe I had that many kids. As my youngest stepdaughter worked there, too, and they knew each other, I told him she was my daughter. He called her over and asked her who I was. She replied "My mom." Then he asked how many kids I have and she said 6. That ended our conversation. A week later my daughter called me from work and told me that she had told Alex that her dad and I were going through a divorce and I only had 1 child living at home with me. He was up there waiting for me because he wanted to take me out. I told her to send him home and tell him I don't date.

It took him 3 months to get the first date. I wasn't interested, and wanted to just concentrate on me and my son. Finally I gave in and went on one date. During that date (which I don't know how I made it through) he told me that he knew I had 3 step children, and 1 son at home with me..... That doesn't add up to 6. Where are the other 2? So I told him the story of C and J1. It took another month for me to go out with him again. Now is where the problems start....

I work in a very public place. Don't know if any of you reading this know about the restaurant Waffle House, but I am sure you could check it out online. I honestly don't know how I work there with social anxiety, but when I'm working I am a very different person. Anyway, every time Alex wanted to take me out, I would agree to go to "my" Waffle House. I couldn't go anywhere else. Like I said, I don't know how I made it through the first date, which was not at my job. I tried a few times to go to other restaurants with him. I would sit there and cry for a few minutes, before just getting up and walking out. I would tell him to call me when he was done. I felt suffocated in these places. I couldn't eat, drink, or breath!!!

I would also leave family functions. We would go to birthday parties or Christmas parties, and the next thing you know Alex is left there, and has to call me when he's done. I tried several times to break up with Alex. He deserved better. He loved going out, and family affairs meant a lot in his family. His first birthday we were together I made him eat at Waffle House. The second I made a big dinner and invited his whole family.... Then I sat outside my own home and cried until everyone left.

I don't know how Alex stuck with me for so long, but he did.  A year and a half after we got together, my oldest sons A Mom got in touch with me. I got to start building a relationship with my "baby".

This is what I just figured out.... It was after I got to see my kids that I started opening myself up to being happy. I started going to new restaurants. I was able to stay the full time at family functions. It wasn't easy. There were still times that I left, but it got steadily better. I became a member of society again. Right now, I am having trouble again, but I believe it's because I know of the pain my oldest son is in, and that there is nothing I can do about it. But I still try. I did not realize until recently, that when I lost my sons, I lost myself completely.

Alex and I just got married on July 19. :) And we have our sweet little Alexia. He is a great step dad to Joshua. He holds me when I cry for my boys, and rejoices in anything that goes right. He is there. For better or worse. Lord knows, he has probably had enough of the "worse" but he isn't giving up.  He does have some problems trying to deal with the fact that he has two step sons that are almost grown, when he just became a dad 17 months ago. I think it was okay to take on a 4 year old step son, and then to start our family with a little girl. But I can see how it is much different to have an "idea" about teenage step kids, and the reality of having them. I have to give him credit though. He doesn't back down from a challenge. :)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Final Part Of The Fight

I explained everything to the psychiatrist that DFCS had chosen. I gave her all 7 doctors excuses for when my son had missed school. I also gave her  a copy of the police report as an excuse for the 8th absence. I also gave her Joshua's test results. He was testing on 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade levels in the 2nd grade. I also completed my IQ test.

She stayed up late at nights, and focused solely on my case to get her report written up in time. She also advised me to have my lawyer get a copy and give it to me. As my lawyer had a right to "evidence", but I didn't. So I did that. And we went to court.

Her recommendations.... I was slightly depressed due to having nightmares about my past. She felt that my depression would be gone as soon as DFCS was out of my life. Although there will always be depression as I don't have my two oldest. No counseling will fix that. I am not only capable of teaching my son, but I should, as the public school system failed him. They placed him in an age appropriate class instead of an intellectually appropriate class. He is way ahead of his peers, all thanks to my teaching him at home. I am a very grounded woman, and mother, and she feels that the best place for my children are with me. And the best shot my son has at an education, is in my teaching.

I was thrilled!!! She also gave me the advice that if I ever chose to place J2 in public school again, go and have him tested, and mark out anything stating his age. Take the results to the school and ask them what grade they would place him in and make them do that, no matter his age. (He will not be going to public school, if I have my way.)

The judge closed the case with this wording, "Ms. F has rectified the causes of neglect". I emailed DFCS stating that I did not like the wording as it implies that he was neglected and I fixed it, when in actuality, he wasn't neglected to begin with. She emailed me back and said she knows that he wasn't neglected, but that was the only way the judge would write it.

I kept that email. I have kept all of this. I also keep anything that I MIGHT need in the future. I do not trust the county that I am in. I have had one more visit from DFCS 5 months after the case was closed. I sent my son inside, I told her that I had nothing to discuss with her. I told her that she could come back with a court order, but make sure it is good, because if they continue to harass me, I will be filing a lawsuit. I have not heard anything else. That was 2 months ago. I am just hoping that it is truly over now. But I will continue to put a little money away every month, for my emergency lawyer fund.

In the meantime, I start teaching my son school again next week. And I am going to start teaching my sweet baby girl, too. Let's see how smart she can get. lol I love my job as a mom and a teacher.

Part 2 Of The Fight

As I mentioned in the last post, I made a big mistake leaving my "mess" until the morning. I was awakened by someone banging on my door. I get to the door and meet a Guardian Ad Litem with a court order granting her access to my home and my children. She walked into "a disaster". Her words. She called DFCS back out, took pictures, and informed me she would see me in court.

A couple of days later, I get a subpoena for court. It states that they are trying to remove my son, as this home is not a safe one for him. DFCS came back out and asked that I voluntarily submit to a psychological evaluation, to which I declined. They offered me parenting classes and counseling, which I also declined.

I get to court, and meet the judge. She knows me. Too well.... She was the attorney that woke me up in the hospital years ago. She is the woman that took my sweet C away from me. She went into this case knowing that there was a conflict of interest, but she didn't care. I asked her to use the books I had brought with me, and have J2 do some work in them, to show that he is learning. She refused. We listened to all of the evidence about my "filthy house" and saw the pictures. We heard how he had missed 8 days in a month in public school. And we heard that I refused to take a psychological. And we heard how I refused the "help" that they offered me.

Then we listened as the judge said...."Based on my past history with Ms. F, she will not do anything unless made to, so I am ordering, counseling, a psychological, and parenting classes. I also must do as the psychologist suggests, whether that be medication, or returning my son to the public school system, where he can "truly" be taught.

So over the next few months I did a lot. I realized that I wasn't going to win with just letting things happen. I started doing all of my communication with DFCS through email, as they like to twist words when they are on the stand. If they insisted on a phone call, I made sure to follow up with an email detailing everything that was said. I emailed the company doing my family therapy and parenting classes, as they were unable to begin services, due to the fact that DFCS was not responding to their requests for the appropriate paperwork needed to begin the services. I requested a new social worker, stating that I felt it was unfair that I was the one accused of not following through on anything, and would be sure to bring it to the courts attention that I had tried and couldn't because they dropped the ball. We had to go back to court in 6 months. And here it was at 4 months, and I had gotten ABSOLUTELY NOTHING accomplished.....

I had to search and find the psychiatrist that was to perform my psychological. She had been trying to get DFCS to send her my number so she could set up the appointment. Once she was given the wrong number, and after that her requests were ignored.

I called an independent testing facility to have my son tested to see where he stood on his education, since they didn't want to see any of his work.

I finally got everything going. Parenting classes, family therapy, and a new case worker. I also had my appointment for my psychological. All of this which takes time, and should have been completed months ago. And it is just getting done, two weeks before court. My psychological would take 3 weeks to evaluate and get written up for the court.

Keep in mind that I have all of this "proof" in emails, to all of these people. Including emails from the family therapist and the parenting class teacher telling me that they don't find anything wrong to work with me on. So they have no idea why I am using their services.

I see the psychiatrist that DFCS has chosen to do my evaluation, and she tells me that I will be given an IQ test to see if I am qualified to teach a second grader. I inform her that although I know it is against my rights, I will take her test, and I also offer the results of my sons testing. I also tell her everything that has happened, in the past and now.

I have to take a small break and then I will post the outcome of all of this. Thank you for sticking with it this long.

The Beginning Of The 6 Month Battle

When DFCS knocked on my door (and I was dumb enough to let them in) my son was laying in the living room floor, doing his math work. :) I had not learned enough from my first battle apparently, as I thought that since the charge was educational neglect, what better way to disprove that than have her "catch us" doing school? Perfect timing!!!

She talked to J2 about his school and what he was learning. I had no problem with that. It can only help, right? Then she starts asking why I have a coffee table in my living room that is dangerous for a baby.... The table is granite topped and very dangerous, I know that. That is why I had already told my fiance that it would need to taken out of the house when A started crawling, and we could put it back in when she was older. (He made it by hand, so it is something we won't throw away.) Anyway, I explained this to the worker. She also mentioned that my "clutter" on the tables was hazardous to the baby. She may pull something down and hurt herself. Let me point out now, that my clutter was papers, and the baby at this point is only 5 months old, and not even crawling yet. Anyway, she says she will come back next week, to make sure I have taken the coffee table out and cleaned the clutter and she will close the case. She came back, everything was done, and she said she would get on writing the letter to close the case.

A week later my fiance's mother is put on life support. She is in Mexico and my fiance and his siblings have not seen her in years. My fiance last saw her when he was 18. He is now 34. They didn't expect her to make it through the night. (She did make it that night, but passed away a week later.) All of the siblings here in the US, and their families came to my house. There is my fiance and 4 siblings. Each of them are married and have children. I made coffee and had cookies out for all of the company. We had a phone on speaker phone here, and one in the hospital in Mexico with the other 9 siblings and the mother. We said prayers, we talked, we discussed what was going on. The company finally left our home around 2AM. I was tired, emotionally drained, and my fiance needed me. I looked at my kitchen full of dirty coffee cups, packs of cookies open on the kitchen table, and decided I would take care of it in the morning. I went to bed to hold my fiance while he cried. Big mistake.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

My Two Little Ones

I mentioned in another post that I have a sweet son, J2. He is 8 years old now. And he is my little sweetheart. I also have had a daughter, A. She is 17 months old now, and spoiled rotten being my first little girl. I have to admit I have waited almost 17 years for her. I wanted a girl so bad, with all 3 boys, but am so glad I didn't get her until now. lol

J2 is a very bright young man. He is in 3rd grade this year and is performing on levels up to 6th grade. I have had a lot to do with that, as I home school. I am so scared to have them leave me. Although we did try public school a couple times, it just didn't work.

A is smart, too. And funny, and spoiled as I said. Her big brother is her hero.

I have spent a lot more time appreciating these two babies, and I think I owe that to adoption. I realized all the things I missed, and didn't let things get to me like I probably would have. Like when J2 was refusing to potty train. I was just glad that I finally had the chance to potty train my child. When they took their first steps, and started speaking, and acting silly, I got to be there for all of it. And I cherished it all. Good days and bad.

Now to how my past haunts me with these two.....

As I mentioned, we tried school with J2 a couple of times and it didn't work. The main reason being he is brilliant and was bored to death. They didn't challenge him enough. But also he has some emotional issues concerning his big brothers and the while adoption thing. Well I talked to his counselor at the school about how he may be having trouble because the adoptive mom of C will let us see him sometimes and then cut all contact without warning. I should have known that I would be judged on the spot. I already lost 2 kids to adoption and here I was with an out of control 7 year old.

J2 was also very sick. He had chronic ear infections and for 3 out of the 4 weeks he was in school he had a ruptured ear drum. That have him more problems. He had missed 10 days of school in the first month. I didn't want him to fall behind. I took him out to homeschool just like I had the year before.

He was tested when I enrolled him to make sure he was on grade level and he was. I sent his teacher an email thanking her for the work she had done with J2, and that I would be teaching him at home, due to his health, and my concern for his education... This was on a Tuesday. Friday DFCS knocked on my door. They had a report of educational neglect.

A 6 month long battle began. Another fight for Motherhood. A fight to be able to do what was best for my son. More nightmares, more stress, more worry. Would I win this one, or was I about to lose 2 more children to the injustice of my county?

My Dearest Sons....

My Dearest C,
     My, sweet little Pooh Bear, who isn't do little any more! I wish I could send you this letter to tell you everything I want you to know. I think of you daily. You were my first true love. The first person in this world that I gave my whole heart to. I want now, just what I wanted then. I want you to be happy, and healthy. I want you to know you are loved so very much. I also want you to know that you don't owe me anything. I know that. Sometimes, I think about the situation you are in and wonder if you know that. I don't know, so I will explain.

I know we don't have the opportunity to talk like we want to, or visit. I say what "we" want, because I tell you what I want and you say you want that, too. So, anyway, I want to say now, what I wish I could tell you in person. Even when I have the chance to see you, I can never tell you this, because it hurts too bad. It hurts me to think that you may feel this way. And it would kill me to lose you again.

I am angry at your A Mom since she doesn't love you as I do. I know it is possible to love children that aren't yours as much as you love your own. I do. I love 3 that are mine in my heart. And all I want is happiness for all of them. She made her feelings clear when she told me, "He is MY SON. You gave him away." I told her, and I'll tell you, it wasn't like that at all. One day, hopefully, I can tell you the whole story. Until then, I just have faith that you will know I love you.

Anyway, like I said, sometimes I think of your situation, and I have also read a lot about adoption. I have read from all sides, Adoptive Mom, Birth Mom, and Adoptee. I have learned that sometimes adoptees feel like they owe us something. Both mothers. And I have learned that sometimes us Birth Mothers will put just as much pressure on you as the Adoptive Mom does, even though we don't mean to. The last time we talked, you said, "When I turn 17, I am going to ask her if she will let me spend weekends with you. If she says no, then I will just move out and come home." I have thought about that a lot. I know you told me that you wanted to "come home". And I know that we have talked a few times about it. I may be wrong in my thinking.

But this is what I am getting from our conversations. I think maybe you feel pressure from me. Maybe I am sending the same signals she is. "you are mine. I gave birth to you. I love you more. I loved you first. You were stolen from me, you should have never been in that home. I should have been your mother all along." I can see how without actually saying it, I may have led you to believe this is how I think. I mean, it's mostly true... To me.

 But this is what you need to know. Although I would be thrilled if you felt the same, I know you may not. She has been raising you since you were 6 months old. She is the only mom you ever knew until the age of 14. You can't live with someone as their child for 14 years (now 16 years) and not love them. Anyway, I want you to know that you don't owe me anything. I don't want you to feel that you do. If you don't want to "come home", I understand. She is your Mom. I understand that, too. And all I can hope for is that someday I get to be a part of your life, in whatever way you want. Whether that is as another mom, or a friend, or someone you just speak to on occasion. I would be thrilled if I was simply your mom. But our relationship lost that simplicity 14 years ago.

 I know this is a lot of rambling and may not make sense to anyone but me. But it was something I had to say. I want you to be happy. Whatever it takes to make you happy, is what I want you to do with your life.

 Love Always,
Mama



 My Dearest J1,

My sweet baby, who isn't a baby anymore. I love you so very much. I am so happy to have the chance to know you, to visit you. To love you. I am so thrilled that your Adoptive Mom is secure enough in her relationship with you, and loves you enough, to grant us this privilege.

I am glad that I can talk to her and feel comfortable. That I can feel we are 2 moms, talking about and taking in the consideration for the best interest of OUR son. She doesn't try to make it sound perfect, and happy at all times. She will listen to what I did at your age and let me help her understand where you may be coming from, since you are doing a lot of the same things. And she is okay with me talking to you and trying to keep you from repeated mistakes.

When you ran away from home, I was a little upset that she waited a couple of days to call me, but I was happy about what she said. She told me that everyone was saying, "I bet he's at his Birth Moms house." She told me, "If he was, she would have called me." I love that she knows I'm not trying to take you away. I love that I can tell her how hard I fought for you. How you have never left my thoughts, and she understands.

Although I feel you should have been raised in my home, by me, I am so glad you got her for a mom. I couldn't ask for better. I can't wait to see how our relationship evolves. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to be happy. And I want you to know I will always be here.

 Love Always,
Mama


This is what I wish I could tell my sons. Maybe one day I can. But I am just so worried about saying the wrong thing. Or them taking what I say, in the wrong way. I love my sons so much. They are truly a large part of my world.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Recent Visit

I had a visit with my second born son this past Wednesday. It is the second time I have been able to keep him in my home. It's strange. He will be 16 in December, and I don't know him at all. I want to. Occasionally he brings up things about when he was younger, or about the adoption in general. What am I supposed to say? I so bad just want to tell him that I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder. That they had me on these medicines that affected my ability to feel, to even know what I was doing. But I don't know if he is ready to hear the whole story yet. I have told my oldest some of it. Not the whole story, but the main parts.

Anyway, I took him to the restaurant that I work at to get something to eat. He ordered a chocolate chip waffle. Our waitress said, "You and C and this chocolate. hahaha" Then I started thinking, I feel so bad, because all these people know both of my sons, and they don't know each other. They aren't allowed to know each other. That is really the reason that C's mom stopped the contact this last time. I know I haven't went through that whole story of her yet, but just thought I'd let you all know how crazy she is. She sent me a text one morning telling me that I would no longer be able to have any contact with C. When I asked her why, she responded with "Because you gave him J1's phone number." How can you not want your son to know his brother? She knew that I was talking to J1 too. Even expressed how happy she was for me. Yet never once told me that she didn't want C to have anything to do with him.

My whole point to this post is that I can't wait for the day that I can have all of my children together in one place, and take a picture. I have pictures with each of my kids, but none with all of them. Sad when you think about the fact that I have been back in contact with them for so long.

Well, I have to get ready for work now. Just had to get this out first. Hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Being Found

April 7, 2010.... I got up for work at about 5:30 AM. I checked my phone first thing, like I do every morning. I had gotten a text at 1:07 AM that I had not heard. I opened it, and my heart stopped. The message read..." Do you know K E?" I knew exactly who that was. My question was, how did my sister know that name?

I was on my way home about 2 months after C was placed for adoption. I saw his old daycare worker from when he was in foster care, walking home. I stopped and offered her a ride. She told me that he was with the same family that had been his foster family and they were adopting him. I in turn told everyone that I always knew where C was. That he was adopted by E E I never told them her full name (E K E). They had no way of knowing that E and K were the same people. And I had not said her name in years anyway. My family didn't want to talk about C and J1. That subject was off limits.

So I lived about 60 miles away from my sister, and only 1 1/2 miles away from K, so again... How did my sister know that name!!! Only way possible was if she had contacted my sister looking for me! I had to wait a whole hour before my sister woke up and could tell me the story. She had gotten a facebook message from K about her adopted son. Different name than C, but I will leave it as C for my story, for the sake of privacy. She told my sister that her son had been asking to meet his mother for a few years, and she thought he was finally mature enough to handle it. She wanted to know if my sister thought I would be open to meeting him. She ended the message with, "I'm sure by now you are thinking I'm crazy for talking to you about my son. But as soon as you see his picture, you will know who he belongs to." The picture file attached to the message wouldn't show on my sister's phone, which is where she was having to check her messages. She messaged back, telling K that she couldn't see the picture, but she was sure it had to be C or J1. And left her number for K to call.

K didn't call until later that evening, but my sister told her that I would love to meet C. That I had been dreaming of it for years. K said that she would set it up and let me know when, but she wanted to wait until school was out. She didn't want to distract him from his testing. I thought this was a great idea, even though the waiting would kill me. He was only 14. I wasn't supposed to see him for 4 more years, but now that it was within my grasp, it seemed torture to make me wait.

I would find out soon, that her word meant nothing. At first I thought that was a good thing. Like when she called a couple weeks later, and didn't want to wait any more. So I met him weeks earlier than planned. But I would also find out that this could be a very bad thing, indeed.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Nightmares

A few weeks before J2 was born the nightmares started again. Right after losing C and J1 I had nightmares of them crying, hungry and scared. They were in the bassinets that babies are in at hospitals, and they're both little babies. (They are actually 13 months apart in age, and were 1 and 2 the last time I saw them, but I guess the nightmares don't care about all of that.) The bassinets are in a glass room. There is no door and nothing to break the glass with. I go around and around this glass box of a room trying to get to them. Trying to let them know I'm here. Wanting to feed them and I can't. I wake up sweating and crying.

Before J2 is born those nightmares start again, and J2 is in there with them. Also a new nightmare, where DFCS is in the room with me as I have my c-section. They take J2 away as soon as he's born, and I never see him. I just hear his cry getting further away. These nightmares continued until J2 was about 6 months old. Then they just disappeared, and I allowed myself to be happy being a mother.

For the first time in years, I hung pictures of C and J1 on the walls. And even before J2 was old enough to understand, I taught him who they were and told him stories of his brothers. I told him that they would have loved him so much. That he could see them one day.

At 4 years old, J2 could tell you that he had 2 brothers that he would meet when he was 9 and 10, and he was counting down. We had no way of knowing that they would become a part of our lives 4 years sooner than that, but we were thrilled when it happened.

A New Beginning

Six years after losing my sons, I had seperated from my husband. I had found a new guy that I thought was great. I was going to start over. Have a life that didn't involve everyone knowing about C and J1. But it didn't work that way. As soon as I thought we may have a future together, I told him about my sons. My sons are the reason I am who I am. I figured if the guy couldn't accept that part of me then it wouldn't work. He was fine with it, but it didn't work anyway. I left him a few months after moving in with him. I figured out that I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. We had a lot of arguments over nothing. I had to make our life miserable, because I was miserable. I wanted a life with my sons, not a man. Anyway, one day during the arguments, he threatened to hit me. I left him the next morning after dropping him off at work. I don't know if he would have ever done it or not, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

I moved in with a friend of mine. She went out that evening, and I was bored to death, so I decided to go to Wal-Mart and buy me a book. I was into true crime at the time. I picked up a book called No Daddy Don't. As I read the name of the book, it struck me that I was late.... So I decided to get a pregnancy test while I was at it. The test was positive.

I honestly don't know what I felt at first. I felt everything. I was happy, I was scared, I wanted a baby, I didn't want a baby.... What about if DFCS finds out??? That's when all the happy thoughts left.... I couldn't lose this baby, too.

I decided to call my estranged mother in law. She had always been there for me. I came to see her and cried on her shoulder. I asked her advice. She told me not to worry, that it would all work out in the end.

A week later I got a call from my husband. He had broken up with his girlfriend, and wanted me back. He had a vasectomy after his youngest daughter was born. C and J1 were his step sons legally, but in his heart, they were his babies too. He wanted us to take this chance. To raise a child that was ours. He wanted this baby, too. I came home 4 months pregnant. He was there through it all. He named our son J2.

We had a fresh start, a new beginning...

Losing the fight

I woke up from my attempted suicide 3 days later, in the hospital. Waiting on a transfer to a psychiatric hospital, I was told that DFCS had both of my children. Big surprise. I spent a week in the mental hospital, and was put on the second anti-depressant. And then I was sent home.

I had a new case plan. I was going to a psychiatrist 4 times a week, and taking the 2 different anti-depressants. Within a couple of months, I didn't care about anything. I had no feelings. I was numb. I attempted suicide in August. In February, I asked myself, "What am I fighting for? I'm not going to win. And don't care anyway." I asked my case worker how long it would take to sign TPR. She had the papers there, ready for me. They knew I wouldn't win either....

I signed the papers, saw my children one more time, and gave up. I quit taking my meds, I gave up on my marriage and my 3 step children. I honestly didn't care any more. I am very surprised I didn't attempt suicide again. I had nothing to live for. I didn't care to live. I was going through the motions.

Within weeks of coming off the meds, I cared. My world was destroyed, and I cared so very, very much. My poor babies didn't have me. They didn't have their Mama to hold them when they cried. To play games with them, to talk to them, to love them. I had nothing...

For years, I couldn't get out of bed on Mother's Day. I couldn't sing the song "You are my Sunshine" to my neices and nephews. That song belonged to my children. My babies, that would never hear me sing it again. I spent every year on their birthday baking them a cake and having a party for them. We would all sit around and talk about the memories we had. The very few memories. We were cheated. We should have had so many memories of the boys that meant so much to us. We should have had them there to help us eat the cake. To blow out the candles. Instead I blew out the candles, and my wish was the same every year... "Please God, let my babies remember me, and let them want to know me when they're grown. Let them know I love them."

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My continued fight.

My son had been in a foster home for 2 months, when I found out that I was pregnant again. I was able to see him for 1 hour a week. Supervised visits in the DFCS office. I had to tell my caseworker that I was pregnant. She immediately started talking to me about putting the new baby in a foster home, while I worked on getting my first son back. Or putting him up for adoption. Those were the two choices she gave me. I refused either. Then she suggested getting my tubes tied. Because at 18, she already knew that was all I needed.

I had a rough pregnancy with my second son, but it didn't stop me from completing everything that DFCS had asked me to do. I also had to go to a panel review. My oldest son was 9 months old, and I was 5 months pregnant. They thought I was doing great. But they just had a few more things they wanted me to do. They put it all on paper, on the new case plan, and we all signed it. I didn't know at the time, that by signing the case plan there, I was admitting I needed to do these things. Which included more parenting classes, although I had already completed 2 different ones. These were better, they said. If I had refused to sign it, they would have had to take it in front of the judge, and I would have at least had a chance of not having to do this stuff again. But like I said, I didn't know that at the time.

I gave birth to my second son when my first son was 13 months old. I was terrified that DFCS would take him from me at the hospital. They didn't and I got to bring my baby home. He was born in December, and then in February, my fiance got full custody of his 3 kids. They were 8, 7 and 5 at the time. So now I have 4 kids full time, and still DFCS thinks I am not worthy to have my oldest son home with me.

Finally I hired a lawyer. I don't know how he did it, but the next thing I knew he called me into the office and told me that DFCS had 72 hours to figure out how to remove the other children from my care, or give my son back. The next day, my caseworker called me to the DFCS office to get my son. And to talk to his foster mom about his schedule, and anything else I would need to know. I couldn't believe that it was that easy!!! My baby was coming home.

I had him for only 3 months. My caseworker would come to the house while my new husband was at work. She would tell me repeatedly that I would slip up. And the first time I did, they would take both of my children and I would never see either one again. I held up to that for 3 months. I couldn't handle losing my children. I would rather die. I gave her her wish. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills, lay down with my babies, and went to sleep.... Happy.

That's as far as I can get in my story tonight. The tears are blinding me, and my hands are shaking. I will pick up again when I can continue...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The beginning of my fight....

 This is my first post as a blogger. So I will begin in the beginning. I'm sure other things will come in the middle of my story. But I knew a long time ago that I would have to write my story one day. To get it off my chest... To tell other mothers what can happen... To make the world aware of the injustice going on...

My sweet baby boy was 3 months old in the beginning of 1996. He had already been admitted to 3 different hospitals, and had one surgery. I was a young mother, scared to death....

I woke up to a lady standing over me, with some papers. I sat up, thinking this was another nurse. After 13 days in the hospital with my poor baby, I had met plenty. She introduced herself as a lawyer for DFCS. She served me with a subpoena to be in court the next morning... I was being charged with medical neglect.

I had family and friends testify for me in court. I had family willing to take my son into their care if he was removed. I had a neighbor that I had only known a couple of months in court telling them how well I took care of my son. I had a son that was in patient in a hospital an hour away.... I was found guilty of medical neglect.

I lost my son for the first time. This is a son that I will lose repeatedly.... Under different circumstances each time. But this was my first fight with DFCS. And I figured out real quick what they were capable of. I know plenty of children. I have had 3 since then. I don't know of any of them being in a hospital so many times in the first 3 months of their life... If DFCS can prove medical neglect when my son is a patient in the best pediatric hospital in the state, they can do ANYTHING!!!