Saturday, March 22, 2014

Domestic Infant Adoption

I have been reading a lot on facebook and cafemom about adoption. I do it all the time really. But lately it has really been getting under my skin. And that means I have started talking about it. I have started talking to people that have no connection to adoption whatsoever. And I have been sending friends links to my blog. So I am finally sharing my private spot. And it feels good.

I shared my blog with a friend I went to school with. She read some of it and asked me a question. Why am I so against adoption? So I started typing my reply to her. And I thought, you know that would make a great blog post. So here it is.

I went back in my own blog to find the support for my argument. In this blog post Christopher's birthday I told the story of my pregnancy and his birth. I was young. 17. And I had no support from a my family. Well, I could have still lived there I'm sure, but that wouldn't have been good for Christopher. So what did I do? I ran away to live with an older man that had a job, so he could take care of me. Yeah that wasn't smart either, but I didn't have many options. Not sure if you see where this is going, but I will explain.

Women are conned out of their children daily. How? They have no family support. No job. They are young. They don't know the resources available to them. So maybe they talk to a counselor at school. Maybe they are directed to a crisis pregnancy counselor. Maybe they use google on their smartphone and search "unplanned pregancy" like I just did. You know what I saw?

You see those first 3 things right there? Adoption.... A scared teenager, doesn't have a chance. She loves her baby and don't know what to do. She will call to talk to someone about her options, and they will decide that she really doesn't have any. She can't take care of a baby. So she should give her baby to someone that can.

Luckily, I didn't do any of those things. I ran. I went somewhere that I knew I could get some support and keep my baby, even if it was the wrong kind of support. I made a stupid decision. But I made it out of love and worry for my child.

The world is told that women "birthmoms" love their child enough to give it a chance. A better life. That is just not true. These women need support. They need to know that they can keep their child and raise their child and that everything will be okay.

Then we have these people that say well, if you don't have adoption as a choice then these women will choose abortion, or they will beat their child. Or their child will be neglected because they don't have the resources. Or there are the women that really just don't want their baby. Sadly, I know this is true in the very rare case. But let me explain something. A woman that does not want a baby does not normally go and find the perfect parents to raise this baby. They don't care. You read daily about women that kill their children. Throw them in dumpsters. Beat them to death. Starve them to death. These are the women that truly do not want their child. They care so little about the child, that they couldn't take the time to be bothered finding another family for it.

I have children. And I am not going to lie. There are weeks we eat spaghetti for days because that's what I can afford. And there are days that I don't eat at all. If there isn't enough food, I tell the kids I'm not hungry. Just so I know they can have two plates full because that's what they always eat. I don't have a good job making lots of money. And what money I do have has to pay our bills. And then I borrow money that I have trouble paying back, just to pay the next bill. But my children are in a home with lights, water, food. They are not beaten or starved. They are not neglected. They are wanted by a poor mother. I am not looking for homes for my children. I'm not going to love them enough to give them away. I'm going to love them enough to do what I have to to provide for them. Because that's what a Mama does, when someone tells her she can. So please, quit telling her she can't.

I am not completely against adoption like some people are. I think a lot needs to change with the way anything is done. But I am not against it. I have a wonderful friend that just adopted 6 children from foster care. She was one of the very few that would take on 6 siblings just so they didn't get separated by adoption. I think if you are going to adopt it should be from foster care. Yes, those children may have problems. But even if you had a child yourself, that child could have problems. Yes, I know taking in a child that was beaten and neglected and abused is asking for trouble. But that child that you could make a difference for didn't ask for that trouble either. But they have to live with it. Wouldn't it be nice if they found a family to love and support them. To help them with their troubles instead of bouncing from home to home, never really getting close to anyone because they don't know how long they will be there. Never really trusting people. If you truly want to save a child, you do that through foster care. No, not all parents of foster kids are bad. I'm not. But no one knows how crooked this system is. You may be saving a child from their parents. You may not. But you will definitely be saving a child from a lifetime of shuffling from one home to another in a system that doesn't care.

Okay, I am going on little sleep, so I am not even sure that made sense. But that is my thoughts over the last few days. I hope someone can read it, and learn....