There have been quite a few changes going on in my house. And even more going on in my mind. I have been stuck about what to write, as I feel like an imposter. Now I realize what changes need to be made. And they will be hard changes. But it's something I have to do.
First I need to stop limiting my fight for motherhood to only the adoptions of my two oldest sons. I have a daily fight for my motherhood with the 2 children that I am raising too. So now I think I need to talk about those things a little bit.
My biggest fight is for my youngest son, J2. He was diagnosed at 6 years old with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and a mood disorder not otherwise specified. When I asked what that meant I was told, "That means we don't know what's wrong with him." Very comforting.... NOT.
I have fought for my right to parent my child the best way I know how. I have fought schools, counselors, hospitals, and DFCS. I have to be his biggest advocate. No one else is going to do it. And no one knows my son like I do. So I fight this battle with honor.
Now the hard part. I know my son, very well. But I am just now learning some things about myself. Like I am learning that I have been doing some things wrong. And I'm figuring out how to fix those things. I have done a lot of reading on ODD. And I have learned a lot of new things. No thanks to his therapist (that I am changing by the way). I learned that the irrational fears that come on all of a sudden are REAL. My son was never afraid of the dark, never afraid of being alone in a room. Never afraid of danger. Now he is. My son is terrified to sleep by himself. So now after years of sleeping alone, I have to sit on the side of my sons bed until he goes to sleep. But it gives him comfort, and it gives him security. So I will do this, as long as I have to. I will now fight my husband, on how J2 should be treated. I don't know where this is going to lead me, but it will lead me into a better, happier motherhood. After all, isn't that what this is all about?
I will be back soon to write more on this. But now, since I have stayed up another hour just to make sure he is sound asleep, I am going to go back to bed. :)