Monday, May 13, 2013

Apparently I'm a Little Slow

You would think that some things are quite obvious when it comes to life, but I am living proof that it isn't. I just recently realized another way that adoption has touched my life, and in this way I truly was the bad guy. :(

You all have probably figured it out already. If you have read my blog from the beginning. And you will probably be surprised that it just recently hit me!!!

In this post I talked about finding out I was pregnant with J2, and my new beginning with motherhood. But if you read between the lines, I also admit there that I left his biological father, and went back to my husband. The man that is on J2's birth certificate, and has raised him, is not his father. And although there was never an adoption, just a simple signing of the birth certificate, I for all intents and purposes, forced adoption on my sweet new baby boy.

J2 did not know until he was 4 that there was another daddy out there. I will never forget the conversation. And I will never forget the tears. I also will never forgive myself for waiting until he was 4 to tell him. If he had always known, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much.

And in this post I talked about how wrong it was for mothers to take the choice of parenthood away from fathers. Granted it is a little different, since I kept and raised my son. I didn't place him with others. But in essence I did the same thing. I made sure that the father didn't have a choice in another man being on the birth certificate. I did so without asking the father. Now I could say I got lucky, in the fact that the father didn't want to raise him unless we were together. I could say that it's different, because he doesn't mind that someone else is on the birth certificate. Which is all true, and does make it a little bit different. But not enough to make what I did okay.

Now that I have admitted that, I will tell you what recently happened. J2 has been asking for about 2 years to meet his father. But since he lives several states away, it has been pretty much impossible. But he called me a few weeks ago and told me that he would be in town, and if J2 still wanted to see him, we could do it then.

I told J2 that he was coming and he would be able to see him, and he started crying. I told him, "If you don't want to see him, you don't have to." He replied, "No, I do want to see him. I'm sad because he has to go back to Texas." That's when it hit me. I did this to my baby. That's when I started looking at it from an adoption angle.

I have to go for now. But I will be back soon, and I will tell you all about the visit. It happened on May 3rd. And it was a good visit. I just don't have time now to do it justice in the telling.

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