This is going to be hard

I have been talking to a really good friend a lot lately about the pains of my past. He is my roommate. I have known him for 10 years. And he is the one person I feel safe talking to about anything. His name is Cody.

We were talking last night. And once again I went into talking about the adoptions of Christopher and Jeremy. And the pain and resentment I hold against John (my ex) for the part he played in it. Cody told me that I should talk to John and tell him everything that I feel about him. So I told John that I wanted to talk to him, and he is supposed to be coming over tonight after I get off work so I can do that. But for now, I will tell you all what part he played and how much I hate him for him.

I told you that I attempted suicide when CPS wouldn't leave me alone. And that's how they got both of my children. What I didn't tell you what that while I was sitting in a mental hospital, I got a phone call every evening before we went to bed. I used that phone call every night to call my husband. The one person that is supposed to stand by my side and have empathy for me. And love me. And know me. He should have known that my children were my world. That the thought of losing my children was what drove me to attempt suicide in the first place. During one of those phone calls he told me that he had sent his children to live with their maternal grandparents. And that he thought we would be better without any kids at all. That we should just give them all up. And just be us.

When I came home I continued to fight for my children. I let him make the decision to leave his children where they were. 6 months later I was drugged into giving up my fight. When I came off the drugs and realized what I had done, I couldn't function. So I told John that if he didn't bring his kids back that I had no reason to stay. That I was meant to be a mama. I told him then that I hated him for what he had done. But that I just wanted his kids back because no one could take them from me. He went and got them. I went back to being a mama. A couple of weeks later, I woke up and was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I didn't get up and feed the kids or anything. When John came home he came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I didn't know if I could do this. If I could raise his children when I wasn't even raising my own. He essentially told me to snap out of it. That the pictures and talking about them were too painful. So he put all of the pictures up. And did away with any personal effects that belonged to my boys. And his children and I were forbidden to talk about them. They no longer existed. There was no proof that there was ever 2 babies living in that house. The only time he conceded was on their birthdays when I was allowed to bake them a cake.

I left John several times over the course of our marriage. He always forced me to come back. By withholding his children from me. I wasn't allowed to see them or speak to them. And they were my life. They were my children. And I couldn't lose any more. So I would come back. And I would be a stay at home mom. I would hold the children when they cried for their mom. And at night when I was talking to John I would say, "I wonder if Christopher or Jeremy remember me? I wonder if they cry for me? And I wonder if they do, if their new moms hold them and comfort them?" His response was always, "Don't worry about them. They're fine. They were little enough to forget you. So don't talk about it, because all it does is make you said and you have 3 kids in there to raise." So I would bottle it up. And I would let it go. And I did that until his youngest child was an adult. That way the kids could make the decision of whether to see me or not.

I hate John for giving my babies away. I hate him for telling me to forget them. I hate him for telling me we were better off without children. I hate him for expecting me to raise his children and not my own. I hate him for withholding those children from me when I did try to leave him. I hate him for beating my self worth down so far that it has taken me 16 years to work up the courage to confront him.

I hate that I am mad at his children. And I didn't even realize that until just now. But I am. They don't really talk to me. They don't come to see me. And at times they are plainly disrespectful to me. I don't know if they realize what I sacrificed to be there for them. But since they are all in their mid 20's now, you would think they did. And I don't know if that is a conversation I should have with them.

I need to find a way to heal from this anger. And do it without hurting my children even more by telling them the truth.

I am so sad again

I have an app downloaded to my phone called Timehop Abe. It connects to my Facebook and pulls us posts that happened on this day up to 4 years ago. Every other day I am seeing posts of the fight for Veronica Brown. And every day my heart is breaking again. I go online and google everything I can about the case. And everything pretty much disappeared a year ago when he handed her over. I can not get this little girl out of my mind. It doesn't help that because of her Hispanic heritage she looks a little like my daughter. And maybe it's even harder now because I haven't seen my daughter in almost a month. On the 24th, the day I learned last year about him handing her over will be a month that I have not seen my sweet Alexia. I don't know when I will see her again. Or if I will end up in jail for back child support before I get a chance to see her. My ex is reminding me a lot of the Capobiancos. He has no heart. He doesn't care about that little girl that he is withholding from me. He doesn't care about anything but himself, and what he can do to prove he is superior to everyone. I will not rest until I get my daughter back. And get her away from the people that are ruining her mind. They are teaching her all kinds of awful things. Like that her brothers are not her brothers and that we are all "yucky". That she needs to stay with her daddy at night because he is by himself and he will be scared. I just want to wrap my baby in my arms and protect her. And I wish Dusten had been able to do the same with Veronica.

I wish all the mothers and fathers out there fighting for their children out of love and caring could hold their children close and protect them from the crazies in this world.

I thought the fights were over

I honestly thought the fights for my children were over. Then I filed for divorce. And I lost my daughter. The first thing they talked about in court was the fact that I had lost Christopher and Jeremy all those years ago. It didn't matter that Jeremy's adoptive mom wrote a letter to the judge telling him what a good mom I am. And that she lets me keep Jeremy any time I want to. And now both Christopher and Jeremy live at home with me. And I haven't seen my daughter in 3 weeks.

They taught her to say that Joshua's dad had molested her, which he would never do that. And then finally she stopped saying it. The investigators determined that it was untrue. And then 3 weeks ago she showed me and told me how her daddy touched her. I called the police. I took her to the hospital. And CPS was called. And because her daddy has primary physical custody he could decide where she went. He decided to let his sister keep her. The same sister that taught her to say that John molested her. And I had to turn her over in front of the case worker. My daughter was crying and screaming. She looked terrified. And they had to pry her out of my arms. She didn't want to let go. That woman is destroying my child. And there is nothing I can do about it. Because as CPS says, "Her dad presents himself well, and is very cooperative. And you have a history of not cooperating. And there have already been allegations of her being molested in your care."

So they have not told me anything. And I have not seen my daughter. And I am dying inside. I don't know where to turn any more. But I will never walk away. I am a damn good mother. And I will continue my fight for motherhood, because that is what I was meant to be. A mother.

Domestic Infant Adoption

I have been reading a lot on facebook and cafemom about adoption. I do it all the time really. But lately it has really been getting under my skin. And that means I have started talking about it. I have started talking to people that have no connection to adoption whatsoever. And I have been sending friends links to my blog. So I am finally sharing my private spot. And it feels good.

I shared my blog with a friend I went to school with. She read some of it and asked me a question. Why am I so against adoption? So I started typing my reply to her. And I thought, you know that would make a great blog post. So here it is.

I went back in my own blog to find the support for my argument. In this blog post Christopher's birthday I told the story of my pregnancy and his birth. I was young. 17. And I had no support from a my family. Well, I could have still lived there I'm sure, but that wouldn't have been good for Christopher. So what did I do? I ran away to live with an older man that had a job, so he could take care of me. Yeah that wasn't smart either, but I didn't have many options. Not sure if you see where this is going, but I will explain.

Women are conned out of their children daily. How? They have no family support. No job. They are young. They don't know the resources available to them. So maybe they talk to a counselor at school. Maybe they are directed to a crisis pregnancy counselor. Maybe they use google on their smartphone and search "unplanned pregancy" like I just did. You know what I saw?

You see those first 3 things right there? Adoption.... A scared teenager, doesn't have a chance. She loves her baby and don't know what to do. She will call to talk to someone about her options, and they will decide that she really doesn't have any. She can't take care of a baby. So she should give her baby to someone that can.

Luckily, I didn't do any of those things. I ran. I went somewhere that I knew I could get some support and keep my baby, even if it was the wrong kind of support. I made a stupid decision. But I made it out of love and worry for my child.

The world is told that women "birthmoms" love their child enough to give it a chance. A better life. That is just not true. These women need support. They need to know that they can keep their child and raise their child and that everything will be okay.

Then we have these people that say well, if you don't have adoption as a choice then these women will choose abortion, or they will beat their child. Or their child will be neglected because they don't have the resources. Or there are the women that really just don't want their baby. Sadly, I know this is true in the very rare case. But let me explain something. A woman that does not want a baby does not normally go and find the perfect parents to raise this baby. They don't care. You read daily about women that kill their children. Throw them in dumpsters. Beat them to death. Starve them to death. These are the women that truly do not want their child. They care so little about the child, that they couldn't take the time to be bothered finding another family for it.

I have children. And I am not going to lie. There are weeks we eat spaghetti for days because that's what I can afford. And there are days that I don't eat at all. If there isn't enough food, I tell the kids I'm not hungry. Just so I know they can have two plates full because that's what they always eat. I don't have a good job making lots of money. And what money I do have has to pay our bills. And then I borrow money that I have trouble paying back, just to pay the next bill. But my children are in a home with lights, water, food. They are not beaten or starved. They are not neglected. They are wanted by a poor mother. I am not looking for homes for my children. I'm not going to love them enough to give them away. I'm going to love them enough to do what I have to to provide for them. Because that's what a Mama does, when someone tells her she can. So please, quit telling her she can't.

I am not completely against adoption like some people are. I think a lot needs to change with the way anything is done. But I am not against it. I have a wonderful friend that just adopted 6 children from foster care. She was one of the very few that would take on 6 siblings just so they didn't get separated by adoption. I think if you are going to adopt it should be from foster care. Yes, those children may have problems. But even if you had a child yourself, that child could have problems. Yes, I know taking in a child that was beaten and neglected and abused is asking for trouble. But that child that you could make a difference for didn't ask for that trouble either. But they have to live with it. Wouldn't it be nice if they found a family to love and support them. To help them with their troubles instead of bouncing from home to home, never really getting close to anyone because they don't know how long they will be there. Never really trusting people. If you truly want to save a child, you do that through foster care. No, not all parents of foster kids are bad. I'm not. But no one knows how crooked this system is. You may be saving a child from their parents. You may not. But you will definitely be saving a child from a lifetime of shuffling from one home to another in a system that doesn't care.

Okay, I am going on little sleep, so I am not even sure that made sense. But that is my thoughts over the last few days. I hope someone can read it, and learn....

Yet Another Fight

I know I have been missing for a while now. And I am not writing too much today either. I just wanted to let you all know that I am again in a fight for one of my children. I am getting divorced and right now under the temporary order my husband has custody of our 2 year old daughter. As I am in the middle of this fight, I can't post too much information on it. Just wanted to let you all know why I am absent from my writing. I still plan to follow through on writing for others, but right now I have to concentrate on getting my daughter back. Thank you all for your patience.