Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A New Beginning

Six years after losing my sons, I had seperated from my husband. I had found a new guy that I thought was great. I was going to start over. Have a life that didn't involve everyone knowing about C and J1. But it didn't work that way. As soon as I thought we may have a future together, I told him about my sons. My sons are the reason I am who I am. I figured if the guy couldn't accept that part of me then it wouldn't work. He was fine with it, but it didn't work anyway. I left him a few months after moving in with him. I figured out that I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. We had a lot of arguments over nothing. I had to make our life miserable, because I was miserable. I wanted a life with my sons, not a man. Anyway, one day during the arguments, he threatened to hit me. I left him the next morning after dropping him off at work. I don't know if he would have ever done it or not, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

I moved in with a friend of mine. She went out that evening, and I was bored to death, so I decided to go to Wal-Mart and buy me a book. I was into true crime at the time. I picked up a book called No Daddy Don't. As I read the name of the book, it struck me that I was late.... So I decided to get a pregnancy test while I was at it. The test was positive.

I honestly don't know what I felt at first. I felt everything. I was happy, I was scared, I wanted a baby, I didn't want a baby.... What about if DFCS finds out??? That's when all the happy thoughts left.... I couldn't lose this baby, too.

I decided to call my estranged mother in law. She had always been there for me. I came to see her and cried on her shoulder. I asked her advice. She told me not to worry, that it would all work out in the end.

A week later I got a call from my husband. He had broken up with his girlfriend, and wanted me back. He had a vasectomy after his youngest daughter was born. C and J1 were his step sons legally, but in his heart, they were his babies too. He wanted us to take this chance. To raise a child that was ours. He wanted this baby, too. I came home 4 months pregnant. He was there through it all. He named our son J2.

We had a fresh start, a new beginning...

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