Wednesday, May 9, 2012


A few weeks before J2 was born the nightmares started again. Right after losing C and J1 I had nightmares of them crying, hungry and scared. They were in the bassinets that babies are in at hospitals, and they're both little babies. (They are actually 13 months apart in age, and were 1 and 2 the last time I saw them, but I guess the nightmares don't care about all of that.) The bassinets are in a glass room. There is no door and nothing to break the glass with. I go around and around this glass box of a room trying to get to them. Trying to let them know I'm here. Wanting to feed them and I can't. I wake up sweating and crying.

Before J2 is born those nightmares start again, and J2 is in there with them. Also a new nightmare, where DFCS is in the room with me as I have my c-section. They take J2 away as soon as he's born, and I never see him. I just hear his cry getting further away. These nightmares continued until J2 was about 6 months old. Then they just disappeared, and I allowed myself to be happy being a mother.

For the first time in years, I hung pictures of C and J1 on the walls. And even before J2 was old enough to understand, I taught him who they were and told him stories of his brothers. I told him that they would have loved him so much. That he could see them one day.

At 4 years old, J2 could tell you that he had 2 brothers that he would meet when he was 9 and 10, and he was counting down. We had no way of knowing that they would become a part of our lives 4 years sooner than that, but we were thrilled when it happened.

1 comment:

  1. wow i can't believe that you went through all of this and can still smile. i am very happy to have met you. i hope one day you return her to know that i care enough to read all of this you are so beautiful and deserve every smile you are blessed with