Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Losing the fight

I woke up from my attempted suicide 3 days later, in the hospital. Waiting on a transfer to a psychiatric hospital, I was told that DFCS had both of my children. Big surprise. I spent a week in the mental hospital, and was put on the second anti-depressant. And then I was sent home.

I had a new case plan. I was going to a psychiatrist 4 times a week, and taking the 2 different anti-depressants. Within a couple of months, I didn't care about anything. I had no feelings. I was numb. I attempted suicide in August. In February, I asked myself, "What am I fighting for? I'm not going to win. And don't care anyway." I asked my case worker how long it would take to sign TPR. She had the papers there, ready for me. They knew I wouldn't win either....

I signed the papers, saw my children one more time, and gave up. I quit taking my meds, I gave up on my marriage and my 3 step children. I honestly didn't care any more. I am very surprised I didn't attempt suicide again. I had nothing to live for. I didn't care to live. I was going through the motions.

Within weeks of coming off the meds, I cared. My world was destroyed, and I cared so very, very much. My poor babies didn't have me. They didn't have their Mama to hold them when they cried. To play games with them, to talk to them, to love them. I had nothing...

For years, I couldn't get out of bed on Mother's Day. I couldn't sing the song "You are my Sunshine" to my neices and nephews. That song belonged to my children. My babies, that would never hear me sing it again. I spent every year on their birthday baking them a cake and having a party for them. We would all sit around and talk about the memories we had. The very few memories. We were cheated. We should have had so many memories of the boys that meant so much to us. We should have had them there to help us eat the cake. To blow out the candles. Instead I blew out the candles, and my wish was the same every year... "Please God, let my babies remember me, and let them want to know me when they're grown. Let them know I love them."

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