Reliving It Again and Again

I still have not had a chance to talk to C. I want to tell him that I want him to come home, although I know it is his choice and I will stand behind him 100%. I won't tell him everything else.

Also, I feel that J1 doesn't really want to talk to me that much any more. We text sometimes, and that is nice, but he doesn't text as often as he used to or for as long. And now, I always have to text him first.

I have started having the nightmares again. But they are different. They aren't babies any more. They are teenagers, just like they are now. And I can see that they are hurting. Yet when I try to talk to them, and be there for them, they tell me, "If you wanted to be my Mom, you should have been there always. It's too late now." I know they probably are hurting, and questioning the relationship with me. Or it could just be that they are teenage boys that don't need to talk to me that often. I am hoping it's the latter.

I have also started having social anxiety problems real bad again. They were getting better, but I'm back at square one now. 2 days after C told me that he wasn't moving home with us, I went with my husband to my niece's birthday party. I am very close to my niece and my sister in law, and couldn't wait to spend the day with them. But less than 5 minutes after arriving, I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and just wanted to go home. I couldn't explain why. My husband got a little upset with me. He told me that I should have told him before we went that I didn't want to go. I tried to explain to him that I did want to go, and I have no warning of when the panic attacks will hit. I think he understands a little. He told my sister in law and my niece that I wasn't feeling too well.

I am just wondering if the rest of my life will be like this. Will I be okay when I am having a good relationship with my boys? And then when they take a break or get too busy, will I revert to this shell of a person that I have been for so many years? I guess that's the price I have to pay for not being able to fight any longer. I have seen this saying a lot, and it is so true..... Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.