I work in a restaurant. I think I have mentioned this before. I think I have also mentioned that C lived across the street from this restaurant his entire adopted life until a few months ago. This ties into what I am trying to say.
I work for a wonderful man. He is fair and he is just, in his dealings with us workwise and on a personal level. I have talked to him a lot. He was raised in foster care and group homes, and refused to be adopted when the chance arose. I also work with a sweet girl that was adopted as a toddler, and is in search of one of her brothers. She has found the other one, and does get updates on him from his social worker. She can even go see him once a year when she takes vacation, and travels to that state. I also work with 2 women that can't have kids for medical reasons that they have not disclosed. These 2 women plan to adopt one day. I have tried to talk them out of it, to no avail.
They have watched C outside skateboarding. He would look at his house to make sure no one was watching so he could wave at me. They have watched him sneak to see me when he got off the bus before his adoptive parents got home. They have seen the tearful goodbyes, not knowing when we would be able to see each other again. They have talked to us. They have listened to us. They have asked questions.
They have watched my sweet almost 2 year old A, look out the window across the street and say, "Mama, where Bubba?" Because he isn't out there any more. He has moved. They have watched the tears come every time she asks. Not just tearing up, a full fledged, can't stop it, waterfall.
They have heard my 8 year old J2 express his hatred for these people that are keeping him away from his brother. They have heard it all.
So you would think.... Wouldn't watching that for 3 years, hearing about it for 3 years, stop you from wanting to be a part of that? Apparently not. When it comes to a woman that can't have a child, wanting one... They turn blind. I can only hope that they have learned enough to have fully open adoptions if and when they proceed.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Not hiding anymore
I have had a lot going on with C. I was supposed to be able to see him now that someone else has custody. But once again, I am the big bad birthmother that will never be any good. I'm not worthy enough to see my son since I "gave up on him." I am not allowed to contact him. He has agreed, according to her, to never speak my name again. So until he is 18, I have to wait to try to speak to him. Until then, I have started a new blog to write him letters. Hopefully he will see them one day.
This is what I don't understand. This lady that has him now says I can't see him because he is in so much pain because I have given up on him sooo many times. And he was asking "why?" So she thinks it's better if he doesn't see me. Isn't that counter productive. No one can answer that question but me. I never "gave up on him" in the sense that everyone is using it. But not one of these people who claim to love him so much want him to get the answer to that question. Why? How is he supposed to process this and heal as much as he can when he has a question, and no answer? Could you? I know I couldn't. One day he will be able to ask me. And one day there will be no legal way anyone can stop me from answering. I pray that when that day comes he will find forgiveness in his heart for the weak, scared teenager that I was. The girl that didn't know how to fight. But whether he forgives me or not, I pray he finds some peace from the hurt that has haunted him his entire life.
This is what I don't understand. This lady that has him now says I can't see him because he is in so much pain because I have given up on him sooo many times. And he was asking "why?" So she thinks it's better if he doesn't see me. Isn't that counter productive. No one can answer that question but me. I never "gave up on him" in the sense that everyone is using it. But not one of these people who claim to love him so much want him to get the answer to that question. Why? How is he supposed to process this and heal as much as he can when he has a question, and no answer? Could you? I know I couldn't. One day he will be able to ask me. And one day there will be no legal way anyone can stop me from answering. I pray that when that day comes he will find forgiveness in his heart for the weak, scared teenager that I was. The girl that didn't know how to fight. But whether he forgives me or not, I pray he finds some peace from the hurt that has haunted him his entire life.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Maybe One Day....
Maybe one day I will be logical. Maybe one day I will have faith in myself. Maybe one day I will realize that I deserve to be happy, and then maybe THAT day, I will be.
I am sitting here in my living room, with A taking a nap in my room. J1 and J2 sitting side by side on the couch watching Madagascar 3. I realize that C is the only one missing today. I do know now that he is okay. I can't say anything more about that right now, but one day I will have the whole story to share. But I am sitting here thinking, "This is how it's supposed to be." My husband is at work and my 2 middle kids are sitting here being brothers, like it should have always been. In this moment, (besides missing C) I am a happy Mama.
It is also nice knowing that I don't have to spend the whole time he is here talking to him. I know he will always be here. I don't have a crazy AMom just looking for a reason to take him away from me. His mom is truly a wonderful woman. And though I don't have to spend the whole time "spending time" with him, I think I'm going to go now, and just look at my sons being brothers in my living room. :) It is still a wonder. I'll be back another day.
I am sitting here in my living room, with A taking a nap in my room. J1 and J2 sitting side by side on the couch watching Madagascar 3. I realize that C is the only one missing today. I do know now that he is okay. I can't say anything more about that right now, but one day I will have the whole story to share. But I am sitting here thinking, "This is how it's supposed to be." My husband is at work and my 2 middle kids are sitting here being brothers, like it should have always been. In this moment, (besides missing C) I am a happy Mama.
It is also nice knowing that I don't have to spend the whole time he is here talking to him. I know he will always be here. I don't have a crazy AMom just looking for a reason to take him away from me. His mom is truly a wonderful woman. And though I don't have to spend the whole time "spending time" with him, I think I'm going to go now, and just look at my sons being brothers in my living room. :) It is still a wonder. I'll be back another day.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Happy 17th Birthday C
Well, today is C's 17th birthday. So much has changed in the last month or so. At one point he was coming to live with me. Then he was going to live with his girlfriend. Now I am pretty sure he isn't wanting to talk to me at all. Even though I held back and never told him how I felt about him moving in with the girlfriend. All I can figure is he needs his space. And I can understand that. I will give him all the time he needs, and make sure he knows that I will always be here. If he ever wants me again. But I find it fitting today to tell the story of my first born son.
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I had been trying to get pregnant for a while. I came from an abusive home, where we weren't really loved. And in the mind of a know it all teenager, I thought the way to fix that was to have a baby. That would be someone who would love me unconditionally. I know, I know... Illogical thought processes. Haha
Anyway, I was still living in my dad's house, and went to the health department and they told me I was pregnant. I immediately sat in the floor and cried like a baby. How was I going to take care of a baby?!?! Yeah, I probably should have thought of that first. Also, why would I bring a baby into a family that I didn't even want to be in? So I did the next (il)logical thing that came to mind... I took off. I moved over an hour away with a man that had shown interest in me when I was 15. Sick I know. I should have had better sense. But I want to tell this story honestly, so here it is. I knew he was a man with a job. I knew he was interested in me. I knew he had custody of his daughter. So I figured he would do.
I got huge with C. I was 116 pounds when I got pregnant and over 200 when I had him. (I don't know the exact weight. I quit looking at 199 when I was almost 8 months.) I remember watching the World Series that year. I was hoping that my son would want to play baseball. I loved to play as a kid. On November 1st I was already 3 days overdue, and the Braves won the World Series. I was so excited that I was jumping up and down on the couch at my Uncles house. He told me to stop because he was not going to have me giving birth in his living room.
3 days later, I was still not in labor. So 2 of my Aunts decided to walk the baby out of me. At first they had me walking up and down the stairs of the condos that one of them lived in. They could hear me when I stopped and would push me on. Finally I told them that I couldn't climb the stairs any more. They took me to WalMart, and they sat in the little dining area as I walked back and forth. I was so tired, and I still wasn't in labor. So I kept an eye on my watch and started faking contractions. Sad, I know, but I just wanted to lay down, and this was a sure fire way to end up in a hospital bed. :)
We get to the hospital late at night on November 4th. They hook me up to all these monitors and inform me that I am having contractions every minute. I still don't feel anything though. I got to rest that night, and the next day the nurses had me walking the halls. After hours of trying to get me to dilate, and breaking my water, I am not progressing. I was dilated to a 3, contractions every minute, and nothing. They gave me an epidural the evening of the 5th. They also had me sign a consent for a c-section. They told me that if I did not progress through the night, they would do the surgery in the morning.
I still didn't progress. The next morning I went in for surgery with my Aunt by my side. I was terrified. I did not want to have a baby this way. A few minutes later, I heard the sweetest sound. The cry of my first born child. My sweet C. My Pooh Bear. I couldn't stop crying. Already, he was my world. Happy Birthday C. You will always be my baby!
I just realized the irony of this. I wanted C so I could have the one person that would love me unconditionally. And I think I may have messed that up, too. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved? Sad, yes, but sometimes I really feel that way.
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I had been trying to get pregnant for a while. I came from an abusive home, where we weren't really loved. And in the mind of a know it all teenager, I thought the way to fix that was to have a baby. That would be someone who would love me unconditionally. I know, I know... Illogical thought processes. Haha
Anyway, I was still living in my dad's house, and went to the health department and they told me I was pregnant. I immediately sat in the floor and cried like a baby. How was I going to take care of a baby?!?! Yeah, I probably should have thought of that first. Also, why would I bring a baby into a family that I didn't even want to be in? So I did the next (il)logical thing that came to mind... I took off. I moved over an hour away with a man that had shown interest in me when I was 15. Sick I know. I should have had better sense. But I want to tell this story honestly, so here it is. I knew he was a man with a job. I knew he was interested in me. I knew he had custody of his daughter. So I figured he would do.
I got huge with C. I was 116 pounds when I got pregnant and over 200 when I had him. (I don't know the exact weight. I quit looking at 199 when I was almost 8 months.) I remember watching the World Series that year. I was hoping that my son would want to play baseball. I loved to play as a kid. On November 1st I was already 3 days overdue, and the Braves won the World Series. I was so excited that I was jumping up and down on the couch at my Uncles house. He told me to stop because he was not going to have me giving birth in his living room.
3 days later, I was still not in labor. So 2 of my Aunts decided to walk the baby out of me. At first they had me walking up and down the stairs of the condos that one of them lived in. They could hear me when I stopped and would push me on. Finally I told them that I couldn't climb the stairs any more. They took me to WalMart, and they sat in the little dining area as I walked back and forth. I was so tired, and I still wasn't in labor. So I kept an eye on my watch and started faking contractions. Sad, I know, but I just wanted to lay down, and this was a sure fire way to end up in a hospital bed. :)
We get to the hospital late at night on November 4th. They hook me up to all these monitors and inform me that I am having contractions every minute. I still don't feel anything though. I got to rest that night, and the next day the nurses had me walking the halls. After hours of trying to get me to dilate, and breaking my water, I am not progressing. I was dilated to a 3, contractions every minute, and nothing. They gave me an epidural the evening of the 5th. They also had me sign a consent for a c-section. They told me that if I did not progress through the night, they would do the surgery in the morning.
I still didn't progress. The next morning I went in for surgery with my Aunt by my side. I was terrified. I did not want to have a baby this way. A few minutes later, I heard the sweetest sound. The cry of my first born child. My sweet C. My Pooh Bear. I couldn't stop crying. Already, he was my world. Happy Birthday C. You will always be my baby!
I just realized the irony of this. I wanted C so I could have the one person that would love me unconditionally. And I think I may have messed that up, too. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved? Sad, yes, but sometimes I really feel that way.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Doing a Little Better
I did get to see J1 for a little while Friday. I just picked him up from school and took him home. He seems to be doing okay. He did tell me to text him anytime. That he is usually just playing the xbox. lol I still haven't talked to C. Since I picked J1 up from school, I couldn't be at my job Friday when he got off the bus. I have to be there this Friday. This is the last Friday before he turns 17. I am so worried about him. I just really need to talk to him before he does anything on November 6th.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Reliving It Again and Again
I still have not had a chance to talk to C. I want to tell him that I want him to come home, although I know it is his choice and I will stand behind him 100%. I won't tell him everything else.
Also, I feel that J1 doesn't really want to talk to me that much any more. We text sometimes, and that is nice, but he doesn't text as often as he used to or for as long. And now, I always have to text him first.
I have started having the nightmares again. But they are different. They aren't babies any more. They are teenagers, just like they are now. And I can see that they are hurting. Yet when I try to talk to them, and be there for them, they tell me, "If you wanted to be my Mom, you should have been there always. It's too late now." I know they probably are hurting, and questioning the relationship with me. Or it could just be that they are teenage boys that don't need to talk to me that often. I am hoping it's the latter.
I have also started having social anxiety problems real bad again. They were getting better, but I'm back at square one now. 2 days after C told me that he wasn't moving home with us, I went with my husband to my niece's birthday party. I am very close to my niece and my sister in law, and couldn't wait to spend the day with them. But less than 5 minutes after arriving, I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and just wanted to go home. I couldn't explain why. My husband got a little upset with me. He told me that I should have told him before we went that I didn't want to go. I tried to explain to him that I did want to go, and I have no warning of when the panic attacks will hit. I think he understands a little. He told my sister in law and my niece that I wasn't feeling too well.
I am just wondering if the rest of my life will be like this. Will I be okay when I am having a good relationship with my boys? And then when they take a break or get too busy, will I revert to this shell of a person that I have been for so many years? I guess that's the price I have to pay for not being able to fight any longer. I have seen this saying a lot, and it is so true..... Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.
Also, I feel that J1 doesn't really want to talk to me that much any more. We text sometimes, and that is nice, but he doesn't text as often as he used to or for as long. And now, I always have to text him first.
I have started having the nightmares again. But they are different. They aren't babies any more. They are teenagers, just like they are now. And I can see that they are hurting. Yet when I try to talk to them, and be there for them, they tell me, "If you wanted to be my Mom, you should have been there always. It's too late now." I know they probably are hurting, and questioning the relationship with me. Or it could just be that they are teenage boys that don't need to talk to me that often. I am hoping it's the latter.
I have also started having social anxiety problems real bad again. They were getting better, but I'm back at square one now. 2 days after C told me that he wasn't moving home with us, I went with my husband to my niece's birthday party. I am very close to my niece and my sister in law, and couldn't wait to spend the day with them. But less than 5 minutes after arriving, I couldn't breathe. I was panicking and just wanted to go home. I couldn't explain why. My husband got a little upset with me. He told me that I should have told him before we went that I didn't want to go. I tried to explain to him that I did want to go, and I have no warning of when the panic attacks will hit. I think he understands a little. He told my sister in law and my niece that I wasn't feeling too well.
I am just wondering if the rest of my life will be like this. Will I be okay when I am having a good relationship with my boys? And then when they take a break or get too busy, will I revert to this shell of a person that I have been for so many years? I guess that's the price I have to pay for not being able to fight any longer. I have seen this saying a lot, and it is so true..... Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Heartbroken
I talked to C last Friday. He told me that he is not coming home to us. He plans to move in with his girlfriend and her parents. I was so looking forward to being his "mommy" again. I know he isn't a baby and he has to make his own decisions in life, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. :(
I am supposed to go see him again this Friday. I have been telling him that I will stand behind him no matter what he decides to do. I realized that I have not told him what I want, besides his happiness. I don't know if it is a good idea, or a bad idea, but this Friday I will be telling him that although I will stand beside him with any decision he makes, I WANT him to come home. Hopefully he just understands that I love him, and miss him. And hopefully he doesn't see it as a controlling thing, just a mom telling her child how much she loves him, and misses him. I will let you all know how that goes.
I am supposed to go see him again this Friday. I have been telling him that I will stand behind him no matter what he decides to do. I realized that I have not told him what I want, besides his happiness. I don't know if it is a good idea, or a bad idea, but this Friday I will be telling him that although I will stand beside him with any decision he makes, I WANT him to come home. Hopefully he just understands that I love him, and miss him. And hopefully he doesn't see it as a controlling thing, just a mom telling her child how much she loves him, and misses him. I will let you all know how that goes.
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