Social Anxiety

I have mentioned in a previous post that I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy. I have just discovered recently, how far that went. This story is not exactly adoption related, but my adoption past played a big role in my actions.

I met Alex on Christmas Day 2008. He was gorgeous. Way out of my league. lol I am a waitress and met him at work. He was a customer. Everyone knew him, but since I didn't normally work that shift, this was the first time we had ever met. He is from Mexico City, and I have a granddaughter (from my step daughter) that is half Mexican. My granddaughter's father was born and raised in the US. He doesn't speak Spanish, and knows nothing of his heritage. I decided that if my granddaughter was to know, I would need to help teach her. At this time she was 9 months old. I was soaking up the Mexican culture. I decided to ask Alex about the Mexican Holidays. How do they celebrate Christmas? What is Cinco de Mayo? Anyway, while we were talking he asked me to look him in the eyes so he could see my eyes clearly because they were beautiful. I immediately informed him that I was married and had 6 children and a grandchild. But thanks for the compliment anyway. :)

He didn't believe I had that many kids. As my youngest stepdaughter worked there, too, and they knew each other, I told him she was my daughter. He called her over and asked her who I was. She replied "My mom." Then he asked how many kids I have and she said 6. That ended our conversation. A week later my daughter called me from work and told me that she had told Alex that her dad and I were going through a divorce and I only had 1 child living at home with me. He was up there waiting for me because he wanted to take me out. I told her to send him home and tell him I don't date.

It took him 3 months to get the first date. I wasn't interested, and wanted to just concentrate on me and my son. Finally I gave in and went on one date. During that date (which I don't know how I made it through) he told me that he knew I had 3 step children, and 1 son at home with me..... That doesn't add up to 6. Where are the other 2? So I told him the story of C and J1. It took another month for me to go out with him again. Now is where the problems start....

I work in a very public place. Don't know if any of you reading this know about the restaurant Waffle House, but I am sure you could check it out online. I honestly don't know how I work there with social anxiety, but when I'm working I am a very different person. Anyway, every time Alex wanted to take me out, I would agree to go to "my" Waffle House. I couldn't go anywhere else. Like I said, I don't know how I made it through the first date, which was not at my job. I tried a few times to go to other restaurants with him. I would sit there and cry for a few minutes, before just getting up and walking out. I would tell him to call me when he was done. I felt suffocated in these places. I couldn't eat, drink, or breath!!!

I would also leave family functions. We would go to birthday parties or Christmas parties, and the next thing you know Alex is left there, and has to call me when he's done. I tried several times to break up with Alex. He deserved better. He loved going out, and family affairs meant a lot in his family. His first birthday we were together I made him eat at Waffle House. The second I made a big dinner and invited his whole family.... Then I sat outside my own home and cried until everyone left.

I don't know how Alex stuck with me for so long, but he did.  A year and a half after we got together, my oldest sons A Mom got in touch with me. I got to start building a relationship with my "baby".

This is what I just figured out.... It was after I got to see my kids that I started opening myself up to being happy. I started going to new restaurants. I was able to stay the full time at family functions. It wasn't easy. There were still times that I left, but it got steadily better. I became a member of society again. Right now, I am having trouble again, but I believe it's because I know of the pain my oldest son is in, and that there is nothing I can do about it. But I still try. I did not realize until recently, that when I lost my sons, I lost myself completely.

Alex and I just got married on July 19. :) And we have our sweet little Alexia. He is a great step dad to Joshua. He holds me when I cry for my boys, and rejoices in anything that goes right. He is there. For better or worse. Lord knows, he has probably had enough of the "worse" but he isn't giving up.  He does have some problems trying to deal with the fact that he has two step sons that are almost grown, when he just became a dad 17 months ago. I think it was okay to take on a 4 year old step son, and then to start our family with a little girl. But I can see how it is much different to have an "idea" about teenage step kids, and the reality of having them. I have to give him credit though. He doesn't back down from a challenge. :)