My, sweet little Pooh Bear, who isn't do little any more! I wish I could send you this letter to tell you everything I want you to know. I think of you daily. You were my first true love. The first person in this world that I gave my whole heart to. I want now, just what I wanted then. I want you to be happy, and healthy. I want you to know you are loved so very much. I also want you to know that you don't owe me anything. I know that. Sometimes, I think about the situation you are in and wonder if you know that. I don't know, so I will explain.
I know we don't have the opportunity to talk like we want to, or visit. I say what "we" want, because I tell you what I want and you say you want that, too. So, anyway, I want to say now, what I wish I could tell you in person. Even when I have the chance to see you, I can never tell you this, because it hurts too bad. It hurts me to think that you may feel this way. And it would kill me to lose you again.
I am angry at your A Mom since she doesn't love you as I do. I know it is possible to love children that aren't yours as much as you love your own. I do. I love 3 that are mine in my heart. And all I want is happiness for all of them. She made her feelings clear when she told me, "He is MY SON. You gave him away." I told her, and I'll tell you, it wasn't like that at all. One day, hopefully, I can tell you the whole story. Until then, I just have faith that you will know I love you.
Anyway, like I said, sometimes I think of your situation, and I have also read a lot about adoption. I have read from all sides, Adoptive Mom, Birth Mom, and Adoptee. I have learned that sometimes adoptees feel like they owe us something. Both mothers. And I have learned that sometimes us Birth Mothers will put just as much pressure on you as the Adoptive Mom does, even though we don't mean to. The last time we talked, you said, "When I turn 17, I am going to ask her if she will let me spend weekends with you. If she says no, then I will just move out and come home." I have thought about that a lot. I know you told me that you wanted to "come home". And I know that we have talked a few times about it. I may be wrong in my thinking.
But this is what I am getting from our conversations. I think maybe you feel pressure from me. Maybe I am sending the same signals she is. "you are mine. I gave birth to you. I love you more. I loved you first. You were stolen from me, you should have never been in that home. I should have been your mother all along." I can see how without actually saying it, I may have led you to believe this is how I think. I mean, it's mostly true... To me.
But this is what you need to know. Although I would be thrilled if you felt the same, I know you may not. She has been raising you since you were 6 months old. She is the only mom you ever knew until the age of 14. You can't live with someone as their child for 14 years (now 16 years) and not love them. Anyway, I want you to know that you don't owe me anything. I don't want you to feel that you do. If you don't want to "come home", I understand. She is your Mom. I understand that, too. And all I can hope for is that someday I get to be a part of your life, in whatever way you want. Whether that is as another mom, or a friend, or someone you just speak to on occasion. I would be thrilled if I was simply your mom. But our relationship lost that simplicity 14 years ago.
I know this is a lot of rambling and may not make sense to anyone but me. But it was something I had to say. I want you to be happy. Whatever it takes to make you happy, is what I want you to do with your life.
My Dearest J1,
My sweet baby, who isn't a baby anymore. I love you so very much. I am so happy to have the chance to know you, to visit you. To love you. I am so thrilled that your Adoptive Mom is secure enough in her relationship with you, and loves you enough, to grant us this privilege.
I am glad that I can talk to her and feel comfortable. That I can feel we are 2 moms, talking about and taking in the consideration for the best interest of OUR son. She doesn't try to make it sound perfect, and happy at all times. She will listen to what I did at your age and let me help her understand where you may be coming from, since you are doing a lot of the same things. And she is okay with me talking to you and trying to keep you from repeated mistakes.
When you ran away from home, I was a little upset that she waited a couple of days to call me, but I was happy about what she said. She told me that everyone was saying, "I bet he's at his Birth Moms house." She told me, "If he was, she would have called me." I love that she knows I'm not trying to take you away. I love that I can tell her how hard I fought for you. How you have never left my thoughts, and she understands.
Although I feel you should have been raised in my home, by me, I am so glad you got her for a mom. I couldn't ask for better. I can't wait to see how our relationship evolves. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to be happy. And I want you to know I will always be here.
This is what I wish I could tell my sons. Maybe one day I can. But I am just so worried about saying the wrong thing. Or them taking what I say, in the wrong way. I love my sons so much. They are truly a large part of my world.