I honestly thought the fights for my children were over. Then I filed for divorce. And I lost my daughter. The first thing they talked about in court was the fact that I had lost Christopher and Jeremy all those years ago. It didn't matter that Jeremy's adoptive mom wrote a letter to the judge telling him what a good mom I am. And that she lets me keep Jeremy any time I want to. And now both Christopher and Jeremy live at home with me. And I haven't seen my daughter in 3 weeks.
They taught her to say that Joshua's dad had molested her, which he would never do that. And then finally she stopped saying it. The investigators determined that it was untrue. And then 3 weeks ago she showed me and told me how her daddy touched her. I called the police. I took her to the hospital. And CPS was called. And because her daddy has primary physical custody he could decide where she went. He decided to let his sister keep her. The same sister that taught her to say that John molested her. And I had to turn her over in front of the case worker. My daughter was crying and screaming. She looked terrified. And they had to pry her out of my arms. She didn't want to let go. That woman is destroying my child. And there is nothing I can do about it. Because as CPS says, "Her dad presents himself well, and is very cooperative. And you have a history of not cooperating. And there have already been allegations of her being molested in your care."
So they have not told me anything. And I have not seen my daughter. And I am dying inside. I don't know where to turn any more. But I will never walk away. I am a damn good mother. And I will continue my fight for motherhood, because that is what I was meant to be. A mother.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Domestic Infant Adoption
I have been reading a lot on facebook and cafemom about adoption. I do it all the time really. But lately it has really been getting under my skin. And that means I have started talking about it. I have started talking to people that have no connection to adoption whatsoever. And I have been sending friends links to my blog. So I am finally sharing my private spot. And it feels good.
I shared my blog with a friend I went to school with. She read some of it and asked me a question. Why am I so against adoption? So I started typing my reply to her. And I thought, you know that would make a great blog post. So here it is.
I went back in my own blog to find the support for my argument. In this blog post Christopher's birthday I told the story of my pregnancy and his birth. I was young. 17. And I had no support from a my family. Well, I could have still lived there I'm sure, but that wouldn't have been good for Christopher. So what did I do? I ran away to live with an older man that had a job, so he could take care of me. Yeah that wasn't smart either, but I didn't have many options. Not sure if you see where this is going, but I will explain.
Women are conned out of their children daily. How? They have no family support. No job. They are young. They don't know the resources available to them. So maybe they talk to a counselor at school. Maybe they are directed to a crisis pregnancy counselor. Maybe they use google on their smartphone and search "unplanned pregancy" like I just did. You know what I saw?
You see those first 3 things right there? Adoption.... A scared teenager, doesn't have a chance. She loves her baby and don't know what to do. She will call to talk to someone about her options, and they will decide that she really doesn't have any. She can't take care of a baby. So she should give her baby to someone that can.
Luckily, I didn't do any of those things. I ran. I went somewhere that I knew I could get some support and keep my baby, even if it was the wrong kind of support. I made a stupid decision. But I made it out of love and worry for my child.
The world is told that women "birthmoms" love their child enough to give it a chance. A better life. That is just not true. These women need support. They need to know that they can keep their child and raise their child and that everything will be okay.
Then we have these people that say well, if you don't have adoption as a choice then these women will choose abortion, or they will beat their child. Or their child will be neglected because they don't have the resources. Or there are the women that really just don't want their baby. Sadly, I know this is true in the very rare case. But let me explain something. A woman that does not want a baby does not normally go and find the perfect parents to raise this baby. They don't care. You read daily about women that kill their children. Throw them in dumpsters. Beat them to death. Starve them to death. These are the women that truly do not want their child. They care so little about the child, that they couldn't take the time to be bothered finding another family for it.
I have children. And I am not going to lie. There are weeks we eat spaghetti for days because that's what I can afford. And there are days that I don't eat at all. If there isn't enough food, I tell the kids I'm not hungry. Just so I know they can have two plates full because that's what they always eat. I don't have a good job making lots of money. And what money I do have has to pay our bills. And then I borrow money that I have trouble paying back, just to pay the next bill. But my children are in a home with lights, water, food. They are not beaten or starved. They are not neglected. They are wanted by a poor mother. I am not looking for homes for my children. I'm not going to love them enough to give them away. I'm going to love them enough to do what I have to to provide for them. Because that's what a Mama does, when someone tells her she can. So please, quit telling her she can't.
I am not completely against adoption like some people are. I think a lot needs to change with the way anything is done. But I am not against it. I have a wonderful friend that just adopted 6 children from foster care. She was one of the very few that would take on 6 siblings just so they didn't get separated by adoption. I think if you are going to adopt it should be from foster care. Yes, those children may have problems. But even if you had a child yourself, that child could have problems. Yes, I know taking in a child that was beaten and neglected and abused is asking for trouble. But that child that you could make a difference for didn't ask for that trouble either. But they have to live with it. Wouldn't it be nice if they found a family to love and support them. To help them with their troubles instead of bouncing from home to home, never really getting close to anyone because they don't know how long they will be there. Never really trusting people. If you truly want to save a child, you do that through foster care. No, not all parents of foster kids are bad. I'm not. But no one knows how crooked this system is. You may be saving a child from their parents. You may not. But you will definitely be saving a child from a lifetime of shuffling from one home to another in a system that doesn't care.
Okay, I am going on little sleep, so I am not even sure that made sense. But that is my thoughts over the last few days. I hope someone can read it, and learn....
I shared my blog with a friend I went to school with. She read some of it and asked me a question. Why am I so against adoption? So I started typing my reply to her. And I thought, you know that would make a great blog post. So here it is.
I went back in my own blog to find the support for my argument. In this blog post Christopher's birthday I told the story of my pregnancy and his birth. I was young. 17. And I had no support from a my family. Well, I could have still lived there I'm sure, but that wouldn't have been good for Christopher. So what did I do? I ran away to live with an older man that had a job, so he could take care of me. Yeah that wasn't smart either, but I didn't have many options. Not sure if you see where this is going, but I will explain.
Women are conned out of their children daily. How? They have no family support. No job. They are young. They don't know the resources available to them. So maybe they talk to a counselor at school. Maybe they are directed to a crisis pregnancy counselor. Maybe they use google on their smartphone and search "unplanned pregancy" like I just did. You know what I saw?
You see those first 3 things right there? Adoption.... A scared teenager, doesn't have a chance. She loves her baby and don't know what to do. She will call to talk to someone about her options, and they will decide that she really doesn't have any. She can't take care of a baby. So she should give her baby to someone that can.
Luckily, I didn't do any of those things. I ran. I went somewhere that I knew I could get some support and keep my baby, even if it was the wrong kind of support. I made a stupid decision. But I made it out of love and worry for my child.
The world is told that women "birthmoms" love their child enough to give it a chance. A better life. That is just not true. These women need support. They need to know that they can keep their child and raise their child and that everything will be okay.
Then we have these people that say well, if you don't have adoption as a choice then these women will choose abortion, or they will beat their child. Or their child will be neglected because they don't have the resources. Or there are the women that really just don't want their baby. Sadly, I know this is true in the very rare case. But let me explain something. A woman that does not want a baby does not normally go and find the perfect parents to raise this baby. They don't care. You read daily about women that kill their children. Throw them in dumpsters. Beat them to death. Starve them to death. These are the women that truly do not want their child. They care so little about the child, that they couldn't take the time to be bothered finding another family for it.
I have children. And I am not going to lie. There are weeks we eat spaghetti for days because that's what I can afford. And there are days that I don't eat at all. If there isn't enough food, I tell the kids I'm not hungry. Just so I know they can have two plates full because that's what they always eat. I don't have a good job making lots of money. And what money I do have has to pay our bills. And then I borrow money that I have trouble paying back, just to pay the next bill. But my children are in a home with lights, water, food. They are not beaten or starved. They are not neglected. They are wanted by a poor mother. I am not looking for homes for my children. I'm not going to love them enough to give them away. I'm going to love them enough to do what I have to to provide for them. Because that's what a Mama does, when someone tells her she can. So please, quit telling her she can't.
I am not completely against adoption like some people are. I think a lot needs to change with the way anything is done. But I am not against it. I have a wonderful friend that just adopted 6 children from foster care. She was one of the very few that would take on 6 siblings just so they didn't get separated by adoption. I think if you are going to adopt it should be from foster care. Yes, those children may have problems. But even if you had a child yourself, that child could have problems. Yes, I know taking in a child that was beaten and neglected and abused is asking for trouble. But that child that you could make a difference for didn't ask for that trouble either. But they have to live with it. Wouldn't it be nice if they found a family to love and support them. To help them with their troubles instead of bouncing from home to home, never really getting close to anyone because they don't know how long they will be there. Never really trusting people. If you truly want to save a child, you do that through foster care. No, not all parents of foster kids are bad. I'm not. But no one knows how crooked this system is. You may be saving a child from their parents. You may not. But you will definitely be saving a child from a lifetime of shuffling from one home to another in a system that doesn't care.
Okay, I am going on little sleep, so I am not even sure that made sense. But that is my thoughts over the last few days. I hope someone can read it, and learn....
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Yet Another Fight
I know I have been missing for a while now. And I am not writing too much today either. I just wanted to let you all know that I am again in a fight for one of my children. I am getting divorced and right now under the temporary order my husband has custody of our 2 year old daughter. As I am in the middle of this fight, I can't post too much information on it. Just wanted to let you all know why I am absent from my writing. I still plan to follow through on writing for others, but right now I have to concentrate on getting my daughter back. Thank you all for your patience.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
My blog is going places
I started this blog to tell everyone my story. The injustice of me losing my sons, and the continued stigma that I have had to deal with in this corrupt county. I know my county is not the only one like that. I knew that there was corruption throughout the world that just hadn't been brought to light. What I didn't know when I started this was that there was also corruption as far as domestic infant adoption goes. I was blind. I had believed that the view we are given of adoption is the truth. That sometimes parents for some reason, don't want the child they created. So they call an adoption agency and sign this paper saying, "I don't want this baby" and the baby is placed with people that do want a child. Yeah naive me.... Bought the whole thing. Let me tell you what I have found out since I started really looking into adoption, and how it is really done. And if you still have these beliefs like I did, let me shed some truth into your world.
Women are coerced out of children that they want. They are told they are not good enough, and they are not told of all the ways they can get the support they need to raise their child. So they are told about this awesome thing called adoption and promised so much like visitation and knowing your child throughout their life. Until the paper is signed. Then they learn that none of that is true. It's not legally binding. Because you are now a legal stranger to the child you gave birth to.
Then there are the mothers that for some reason, truly do not want the child. I don't know what could make a woman feel this way, but that is her and her business. If she doesn't want the child, I don't feel she should have to raise the child. What I do have a problem with is when she takes that decision away from the father too. If you don't want your child, give him/her to the father and let the father do it. There is something very wrong in the fact that a mother can do this and the father is left to fight for the right to raise his own child. Those are the cases I am reading right now.
So where is my blog going? My fight for motherhood is over. There is nothing I can do to change what happened to me. Nothing I can say that will matter at all in what happened to me 14 years ago. But I can be a voice for the ones fighting now. The ones fighting for the right to raise their child. I started with Veronica Rose Brown. I will continue with others. And try to keep everyone informed of the facts. And also let everyone that reads here, know my opinion on such matters. I am currently reading the cases of Anthony Lingle and the fight for his daughter Hailey. You can read about it too. On facebook at Bring Hailey Home or at www.bringhaileyhome.com. I am also reading about Rob Manzanares and his fight for his daughter Kaia. You can read his story at www.illegaladoption.com. I will continue to read the stories, and write what I learn. I hope you go too and support these fathers in their fight.
Women are coerced out of children that they want. They are told they are not good enough, and they are not told of all the ways they can get the support they need to raise their child. So they are told about this awesome thing called adoption and promised so much like visitation and knowing your child throughout their life. Until the paper is signed. Then they learn that none of that is true. It's not legally binding. Because you are now a legal stranger to the child you gave birth to.
Then there are the mothers that for some reason, truly do not want the child. I don't know what could make a woman feel this way, but that is her and her business. If she doesn't want the child, I don't feel she should have to raise the child. What I do have a problem with is when she takes that decision away from the father too. If you don't want your child, give him/her to the father and let the father do it. There is something very wrong in the fact that a mother can do this and the father is left to fight for the right to raise his own child. Those are the cases I am reading right now.
So where is my blog going? My fight for motherhood is over. There is nothing I can do to change what happened to me. Nothing I can say that will matter at all in what happened to me 14 years ago. But I can be a voice for the ones fighting now. The ones fighting for the right to raise their child. I started with Veronica Rose Brown. I will continue with others. And try to keep everyone informed of the facts. And also let everyone that reads here, know my opinion on such matters. I am currently reading the cases of Anthony Lingle and the fight for his daughter Hailey. You can read about it too. On facebook at Bring Hailey Home or at www.bringhaileyhome.com. I am also reading about Rob Manzanares and his fight for his daughter Kaia. You can read his story at www.illegaladoption.com. I will continue to read the stories, and write what I learn. I hope you go too and support these fathers in their fight.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Standing my ground for Veronica Brown
I have been working on the post about my sons visit with his biological father, but I keep coming to a stand still. I am living, breathing, and dreaming of Veronica Brown. She has consumed my life for the past few months. So since that is all I can think of, I think I should lend my voice to the countless others in Standing My Ground and doing my best to speak for this child that doesn't have a voice of her own. So here it goes.
Veronica Brown was conceived by two people in love. Two people engaged to be married. Dusten Brown and Christy Maldonado. For whatever reason she chose, Christy broke off the engagement even as Dusten was trying to push up the wedding. Later Christy cut off all contact with Dusten, and he hoped that by giving her some space, she would come around and come back to him. And then they could raise their daughter together. You know, the whole "happily ever after" thing. But that was not to be.
Christy purposely withheld from Dusten that she planned to place their child for adoption. And she gave false information to the adoption agency that she used and to the prospective adoptive parents that she chose for this little girl. This little girl that had a daddy that wanted her. Wanted to marry her mom, and raise her.
Matt and Melanie Capobianco, the prospective adoptive parents, couldn't wait to add to their family. I know almost everyone wants to have a baby. And I am sure that they were thrilled that they had been chosen, finally, by an expectant mom, to raise a baby. I have no doubt that they loved her the moment she was born. I have no doubt that they were greatly blessed to have been in the delivery room. For Matt to cut the umbilical cord. For them to welcome their baby into this world. To start the bonding experience at birth. (For the record, I am 100% against pre-birth matching, but I am trying to look at this from the outside and take into account all the truths.)
When Veronica was 4 months old the Capobianco's found out that Dusten did not want to sign his rights over. He wanted to raise his daughter. They fought this for the next 23 months, and finally a judge gave Veronica back to Dusten at the age of 27 months. On New Years Eve 2011. What a way to bring in the New Year by bringing your daughter home. I imagine the entire family was ecstatic.
But the fight continued over the next 19 months, and by using loopholes in law and using money, the Capobianco's somehow got a court to finalize the adoption of a girl living with her father, and demanded her immediate return to genetic strangers.
You can fact check here http://keepveronicahome.com/index.php/fact-check and you can read the timeline here http://www.nicwa.org/BabyVeronica/documents/Timeline_Feb_000.pdf
Now for my thoughts and opinions.
I don't see how anyone can fight to take a child away from her father. A fit, loving father that is caring for her needs. Where she is happy, healthy, loved and wanted. This is where my sympathy for the Capobianco's end. And where their love for Veronica turns into a desire to win. A desire to get what they paid for. They spent all their money, and some they borrowed and begged for, to purchase a child. Sure some call it birth mother expenses, but whatever. I call it buying a child. If the agency had called Matt and Melanie up and said, "Hey, we have this woman that really wants to keep her child, but she can't afford to. Could you please help her make her car payments, and rent payment, and maybe take her out to eat, since she doesn't even have the money for food." Do you think they would have raised all that money to give to Christy so she could keep Veronica? Yeah, me either. That in my opinion means they bought a child.
Fast forward 4 months, (we will pretend that they didn't know the child was Cherokee) to when they found out that several lies had been told, several laws had been broken, and this father wanted his child. Why fight that? Because you paid $XXXX to get her home in the first place? Anyway the fight ensues. Throughout the fight Dusten uses the Indian Child Welfare Act, to show that he should have Veronica, and he finally wins. After 23 months of fighting he brings his daughter home. Fight over? No.....
The Capobianco's continue the fight by saying that the Indian Child Welfare Act doesn't apply to this case, And they win! Ridiculous!!!
Now, I am going to move away from the Indian Child Welfare Act (it is a very important act, but doesn't play into my opinion of this case at all) and all the other laws used to fight this battle. And I am going to go into some questions. Feel free not to answer, or feel free to answer. Your call. But please, at least look into your heart and answer them for yourself.
1. Why do we need all these laws to fight for our children? Shouldn't the fact that we created them be enough of an argument? Shouldn't that trump any other argument or law out there?
2. Why does the law make it so easy to circumvent a fathers rights to his child? If the mother wants to give the child up for adoption, that's fine and dandy. If she wants to keep a child and force the father to pay child support that's fine and dandy, too. But when does the dad get a say? I personally don't think any child should be able to be placed for adoption until paternity is proven through DNA testing, and the father signs off on it. If she doesn't want the child, but he does, shouldn't she give him the child and pay child support?
3. Now at the age of 4, and only knowing that she lives with her Daddy and Mommy, and they love her, how come Veronica can't get a best interest hearing? If the Capobianco's think it is in Veronica's best interest for her to come home with them, why are they not saying, "Yes, do a best interest hearing, and we will follow along with what it says."?
4. Last question.... Do you have small children? Do you remember when your grown children were young? Look at your child, pictures of your child, memories of your child. Whichever is easier for you. Now imagine that I want your child. The child you love. The child you created. The child that is happy in your home. The child that is cared for, healthy, and thriving..... Now can you give me that child? I would love him/her just as much, I swear. I would do everything I could to make sure that child is happy in my home, and you can visit and call anytime. If you said no, then please go to https://www.facebook.com/StandingOurGroundForVeronicaBrown and share your support for this little girl to stay with her father. And if you said yes, then maybe you should give your child to the Capobianco's. They really want one.
Veronica Brown was conceived by two people in love. Two people engaged to be married. Dusten Brown and Christy Maldonado. For whatever reason she chose, Christy broke off the engagement even as Dusten was trying to push up the wedding. Later Christy cut off all contact with Dusten, and he hoped that by giving her some space, she would come around and come back to him. And then they could raise their daughter together. You know, the whole "happily ever after" thing. But that was not to be.
Christy purposely withheld from Dusten that she planned to place their child for adoption. And she gave false information to the adoption agency that she used and to the prospective adoptive parents that she chose for this little girl. This little girl that had a daddy that wanted her. Wanted to marry her mom, and raise her.
Matt and Melanie Capobianco, the prospective adoptive parents, couldn't wait to add to their family. I know almost everyone wants to have a baby. And I am sure that they were thrilled that they had been chosen, finally, by an expectant mom, to raise a baby. I have no doubt that they loved her the moment she was born. I have no doubt that they were greatly blessed to have been in the delivery room. For Matt to cut the umbilical cord. For them to welcome their baby into this world. To start the bonding experience at birth. (For the record, I am 100% against pre-birth matching, but I am trying to look at this from the outside and take into account all the truths.)
When Veronica was 4 months old the Capobianco's found out that Dusten did not want to sign his rights over. He wanted to raise his daughter. They fought this for the next 23 months, and finally a judge gave Veronica back to Dusten at the age of 27 months. On New Years Eve 2011. What a way to bring in the New Year by bringing your daughter home. I imagine the entire family was ecstatic.
But the fight continued over the next 19 months, and by using loopholes in law and using money, the Capobianco's somehow got a court to finalize the adoption of a girl living with her father, and demanded her immediate return to genetic strangers.
You can fact check here http://keepveronicahome.com/index.php/fact-check and you can read the timeline here http://www.nicwa.org/BabyVeronica/documents/Timeline_Feb_000.pdf
Now for my thoughts and opinions.
I don't see how anyone can fight to take a child away from her father. A fit, loving father that is caring for her needs. Where she is happy, healthy, loved and wanted. This is where my sympathy for the Capobianco's end. And where their love for Veronica turns into a desire to win. A desire to get what they paid for. They spent all their money, and some they borrowed and begged for, to purchase a child. Sure some call it birth mother expenses, but whatever. I call it buying a child. If the agency had called Matt and Melanie up and said, "Hey, we have this woman that really wants to keep her child, but she can't afford to. Could you please help her make her car payments, and rent payment, and maybe take her out to eat, since she doesn't even have the money for food." Do you think they would have raised all that money to give to Christy so she could keep Veronica? Yeah, me either. That in my opinion means they bought a child.
Fast forward 4 months, (we will pretend that they didn't know the child was Cherokee) to when they found out that several lies had been told, several laws had been broken, and this father wanted his child. Why fight that? Because you paid $XXXX to get her home in the first place? Anyway the fight ensues. Throughout the fight Dusten uses the Indian Child Welfare Act, to show that he should have Veronica, and he finally wins. After 23 months of fighting he brings his daughter home. Fight over? No.....
The Capobianco's continue the fight by saying that the Indian Child Welfare Act doesn't apply to this case, And they win! Ridiculous!!!
Now, I am going to move away from the Indian Child Welfare Act (it is a very important act, but doesn't play into my opinion of this case at all) and all the other laws used to fight this battle. And I am going to go into some questions. Feel free not to answer, or feel free to answer. Your call. But please, at least look into your heart and answer them for yourself.
1. Why do we need all these laws to fight for our children? Shouldn't the fact that we created them be enough of an argument? Shouldn't that trump any other argument or law out there?
2. Why does the law make it so easy to circumvent a fathers rights to his child? If the mother wants to give the child up for adoption, that's fine and dandy. If she wants to keep a child and force the father to pay child support that's fine and dandy, too. But when does the dad get a say? I personally don't think any child should be able to be placed for adoption until paternity is proven through DNA testing, and the father signs off on it. If she doesn't want the child, but he does, shouldn't she give him the child and pay child support?
3. Now at the age of 4, and only knowing that she lives with her Daddy and Mommy, and they love her, how come Veronica can't get a best interest hearing? If the Capobianco's think it is in Veronica's best interest for her to come home with them, why are they not saying, "Yes, do a best interest hearing, and we will follow along with what it says."?
4. Last question.... Do you have small children? Do you remember when your grown children were young? Look at your child, pictures of your child, memories of your child. Whichever is easier for you. Now imagine that I want your child. The child you love. The child you created. The child that is happy in your home. The child that is cared for, healthy, and thriving..... Now can you give me that child? I would love him/her just as much, I swear. I would do everything I could to make sure that child is happy in my home, and you can visit and call anytime. If you said no, then please go to https://www.facebook.com/StandingOurGroundForVeronicaBrown and share your support for this little girl to stay with her father. And if you said yes, then maybe you should give your child to the Capobianco's. They really want one.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Apparently I'm a Little Slow
You would think that some things are quite obvious when it comes to life, but I am living proof that it isn't. I just recently realized another way that adoption has touched my life, and in this way I truly was the bad guy. :(
You all have probably figured it out already. If you have read my blog from the beginning. And you will probably be surprised that it just recently hit me!!!
In this post http://myfightformotherhood.blogspot.com/2012/05/new-beginning.html I talked about finding out I was pregnant with J2, and my new beginning with motherhood. But if you read between the lines, I also admit there that I left his biological father, and went back to my husband. The man that is on J2's birth certificate, and has raised him, is not his father. And although there was never an adoption, just a simple signing of the birth certificate, I for all intents and purposes, forced adoption on my sweet new baby boy.
J2 did not know until he was 4 that there was another daddy out there. I will never forget the conversation. And I will never forget the tears. I also will never forgive myself for waiting until he was 4 to tell him. If he had always known, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much.
And in this post http://myfightformotherhood.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-dont-understand.html I talked about how wrong it was for mothers to take the choice of parenthood away from fathers. Granted it is a little different, since I kept and raised my son. I didn't place him with others. But in essence I did the same thing. I made sure that the father didn't have a choice in another man being on the birth certificate. I did so without asking the father. Now I could say I got lucky, in the fact that the father didn't want to raise him unless we were together. I could say that it's different, because he doesn't mind that someone else is on the birth certificate. Which is all true, and does make it a little bit different. But not enough to make what I did okay.
Now that I have admitted that, I will tell you what recently happened. J2 has been asking for about 2 years to meet his father. But since he lives several states away, it has been pretty much impossible. But he called me a few weeks ago and told me that he would be in town, and if J2 still wanted to see him, we could do it then.
I told J2 that he was coming and he would be able to see him, and he started crying. I told him, "If you don't want to see him, you don't have to." He replied, "No, I do want to see him. I'm sad because he has to go back to Texas." That's when it hit me. I did this to my baby. That's when I started looking at it from an adoption angle.
I have to go for now. But I will be back soon, and I will tell you all about the visit. It happened on May 3rd. And it was a good visit. I just don't have time now to do it justice in the telling.
You all have probably figured it out already. If you have read my blog from the beginning. And you will probably be surprised that it just recently hit me!!!
In this post http://myfightformotherhood.blogspot.com/2012/05/new-beginning.html I talked about finding out I was pregnant with J2, and my new beginning with motherhood. But if you read between the lines, I also admit there that I left his biological father, and went back to my husband. The man that is on J2's birth certificate, and has raised him, is not his father. And although there was never an adoption, just a simple signing of the birth certificate, I for all intents and purposes, forced adoption on my sweet new baby boy.
J2 did not know until he was 4 that there was another daddy out there. I will never forget the conversation. And I will never forget the tears. I also will never forgive myself for waiting until he was 4 to tell him. If he had always known, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much.
And in this post http://myfightformotherhood.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-dont-understand.html I talked about how wrong it was for mothers to take the choice of parenthood away from fathers. Granted it is a little different, since I kept and raised my son. I didn't place him with others. But in essence I did the same thing. I made sure that the father didn't have a choice in another man being on the birth certificate. I did so without asking the father. Now I could say I got lucky, in the fact that the father didn't want to raise him unless we were together. I could say that it's different, because he doesn't mind that someone else is on the birth certificate. Which is all true, and does make it a little bit different. But not enough to make what I did okay.
Now that I have admitted that, I will tell you what recently happened. J2 has been asking for about 2 years to meet his father. But since he lives several states away, it has been pretty much impossible. But he called me a few weeks ago and told me that he would be in town, and if J2 still wanted to see him, we could do it then.
I told J2 that he was coming and he would be able to see him, and he started crying. I told him, "If you don't want to see him, you don't have to." He replied, "No, I do want to see him. I'm sad because he has to go back to Texas." That's when it hit me. I did this to my baby. That's when I started looking at it from an adoption angle.
I have to go for now. But I will be back soon, and I will tell you all about the visit. It happened on May 3rd. And it was a good visit. I just don't have time now to do it justice in the telling.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Changes
There have been quite a few changes going on in my house. And even more going on in my mind. I have been stuck about what to write, as I feel like an imposter. Now I realize what changes need to be made. And they will be hard changes. But it's something I have to do.
First I need to stop limiting my fight for motherhood to only the adoptions of my two oldest sons. I have a daily fight for my motherhood with the 2 children that I am raising too. So now I think I need to talk about those things a little bit.
My biggest fight is for my youngest son, J2. He was diagnosed at 6 years old with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and a mood disorder not otherwise specified. When I asked what that meant I was told, "That means we don't know what's wrong with him." Very comforting.... NOT.
I have fought for my right to parent my child the best way I know how. I have fought schools, counselors, hospitals, and DFCS. I have to be his biggest advocate. No one else is going to do it. And no one knows my son like I do. So I fight this battle with honor.
Now the hard part. I know my son, very well. But I am just now learning some things about myself. Like I am learning that I have been doing some things wrong. And I'm figuring out how to fix those things. I have done a lot of reading on ODD. And I have learned a lot of new things. No thanks to his therapist (that I am changing by the way). I learned that the irrational fears that come on all of a sudden are REAL. My son was never afraid of the dark, never afraid of being alone in a room. Never afraid of danger. Now he is. My son is terrified to sleep by himself. So now after years of sleeping alone, I have to sit on the side of my sons bed until he goes to sleep. But it gives him comfort, and it gives him security. So I will do this, as long as I have to. I will now fight my husband, on how J2 should be treated. I don't know where this is going to lead me, but it will lead me into a better, happier motherhood. After all, isn't that what this is all about?
I will be back soon to write more on this. But now, since I have stayed up another hour just to make sure he is sound asleep, I am going to go back to bed. :)
First I need to stop limiting my fight for motherhood to only the adoptions of my two oldest sons. I have a daily fight for my motherhood with the 2 children that I am raising too. So now I think I need to talk about those things a little bit.
My biggest fight is for my youngest son, J2. He was diagnosed at 6 years old with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and a mood disorder not otherwise specified. When I asked what that meant I was told, "That means we don't know what's wrong with him." Very comforting.... NOT.
I have fought for my right to parent my child the best way I know how. I have fought schools, counselors, hospitals, and DFCS. I have to be his biggest advocate. No one else is going to do it. And no one knows my son like I do. So I fight this battle with honor.
Now the hard part. I know my son, very well. But I am just now learning some things about myself. Like I am learning that I have been doing some things wrong. And I'm figuring out how to fix those things. I have done a lot of reading on ODD. And I have learned a lot of new things. No thanks to his therapist (that I am changing by the way). I learned that the irrational fears that come on all of a sudden are REAL. My son was never afraid of the dark, never afraid of being alone in a room. Never afraid of danger. Now he is. My son is terrified to sleep by himself. So now after years of sleeping alone, I have to sit on the side of my sons bed until he goes to sleep. But it gives him comfort, and it gives him security. So I will do this, as long as I have to. I will now fight my husband, on how J2 should be treated. I don't know where this is going to lead me, but it will lead me into a better, happier motherhood. After all, isn't that what this is all about?
I will be back soon to write more on this. But now, since I have stayed up another hour just to make sure he is sound asleep, I am going to go back to bed. :)
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